Category Archives: life

I Saw A Meteor and Lost My S…

meteorIt’s 6:38 AM and I’m making my kids’ lunches and staring out my kitchen window mindlessly at the valley below, when this light – this incandescent neon green light – catches my eye low on the horizon. The light gets larger and travels east. It’s a meteorite, my groggy mind realizes, a flipping meteorite, shooting across the morning sky.

Quickly I turn to search for my phone because I have to get this on video, right? Because it’s nothing if it’s not on video. But no, I can’t find my phone and even if I could, who was I kidding? There’s no way my middle-aged fingers could have managed to get my video camera on, and capture this thing.

So instead I turn back and watch and just take it in, all the while feeling guilty that I’m witnessing this magnificent sight all-alone. The streak moved across the sky, grew larger, and then turned into a ball – a big, freaking green ball with flames coming off the edges! Then, just like that, it burns up and it’s gone. Continue reading

Advertisements

4 Comments

Filed under life, los angeles, Uncategorized

I Jinxed El Niño – You Can Blame Me

umbrella-681892_960_720

“The El Niño rains are still coming! They’ll be here in January . . . February, no, we mean March, possibly April, or even late May,” the local weather forecasters all say.

Yet our days feel remarkably like summer, and El Niño seems like a bust.

I don’t blame the scientists. After all, our ocean waters have indeed warmed; we’ve seen the dead crabs and poisonous snakes on our beaches to prove it.

The scientists are not responsible for the forecasts going awry. In truth, it was me. I stopped the rain from coming, by massively over-preparing and giving into full-throttle storm-watch hysteria. I jinxed El Niño. I jinxed it good.  Continue reading

6 Comments

Filed under humor, life, los angeles, Science, Southern California, Weather

Breaking: New Pooh Bear Manuscript Found

imgres

New books from deceased or aged authors are as common now as insulting comments by Donald Trump. Fresh on the heels of new releases by the late Theodor Geisel and Harper, comes rumor of another exciting literary discovery, this time from the estate of A.A. Milne, author of the beloved children’s series, Winnie-the-Pooh.

Word of a new manuscript’s existence has set off a firestorm of debate. Literary experts and others with too much time on their hands believe that Edward Bear: Despot of the Wood (its believed title) will be a stand-alone addition to Milne’s collection, much like the new Dr. Seuss book, What Pet Should I Get. Others claim it will be more akin to Harper Lee’s Go Set A Watchman, likely a rough draft of a later, more impressive work.

In leaked excerpts cited below, the Edward Bear character surprisingly refers to himself simply as “The Pooh,” and comes across as a tad rough around the edges. Experts now speculate that Milne’s original intension was for these stories to scare the bejesus out of his only child; encouraging him to stay the hell away from the dangerous woods.

 

Excerpt from Chapter II: 

IN WHICH Pooh Takes Protection Honey From Rabbit

 

“ . . . Rum-tum-tum-tiddle-um. Here I am at Rabbit’s house. Is anybody at home?”

“No!” said Rabbit.

“Bother. There must be somebody here,” said The Pooh, who wasn’t one to take “No” lightly. The Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o’clock so he forced his way through the hole and got in.

Rabbit was duly terrified of the tyrannical Pooh because of his weekly demands for honey in exchange for not harming Rabbit’s many relations. So he shook nervously as he set out plates and mugs for The Pooh.

“Honey or condensed milk?” Rabbit asked.

The Pooh appeared to be having a thoughtful moment, then took a deep breath and bellowed, “Honey! Always honey. Why do you waste my time? Honey!”

After taking his fill of honey and exacting a promise of a delivery of additional pots later in the week, Pooh began his climb back out of the hole. He pulled with his front paws and pushed with his back. Soon The Pooh became stuck.

Rabbit ran to the outside of the hole to help pull The Pooh, but it was no use. About this time, The Pooh’s loyal henchman Piglet arrived. The Pooh launched into an angry tirade about the poor construction of Rabbit’s hole, made unseemly character aspersions about Rabbit’s relations, then ordered his man Piglet to fetch the girly-haired neighbor lad, Christopher Robin, straight away.

“But P-p-pooh, what if he won’t come?” Piglet asked.

“P-p-Piglet,” The Pooh mocked, “I may be a bear of very little brain, but my claws can shred you into bits of breakfast bacon, and will, if you dare question me again. Now, go get that twit of a boy. And bring me some trousers as well. Why didn’t anyone tell me I wasn’t wearing any bloody trousers?”

 

Excerpt from Chapter IV:

IN WHICH Eeyore Loses a Tail and Pooh Assaults Him With Nails
 

. . . it was on particularly sunny day that Eeyore happened by Pooh Corner where Piglet and The Pooh were resting while their captive human boy Christopher Robin cooled them with a fan made of twigs.

“Good morning Eeyore,” Christopher Robin said.

“That pretty mouth of yours is meant for one thing and it’s not talking,” The Pooh reprimanded.

“If it is a good morning,” Eeyore said. “Which I doubt,” said he.

“W-w-what’s the matter, Eeyore?,” asked Piglet.

“It’s pathetic, “ said Eeyore. “One day soon an evil Fascist will take over Germany, invade Poland, war will be declared and a blitzkrieg of bombs will probably rain down upon us. Nobody cares. Pathetic. That’s what it is”

“Oh Eeyore, you’re always so gloomy.” The Pooh said, and laughed at his strange friend with the ridiculous imagination.

“Pooh?”

“Yes, Eeyore.”

“Would you mind returning my bell rope knocker so that I may have a tail once again?” Eeyore asked.

“Certainly,” The Pooh said. Then The Pooh removed the rope knocker from his door and nailed it into the backside of his dear friend Eeyore.

Eeyore screamed in agony.

“Oh, would you prefer it over here instead?” Pooh asked as he hammered the tail into Eeyore’s chest. “Or over here?” Pooh asked as he hammered the tail once again into Eeyore’s bum.

Eeyore screamed repeatedly and bucked his hind legs and ran into the wood, and The Pooh and Piglet enjoyed a hearty laugh at their good friend’s misfortune.

Excerpt from Chapter IX

IN WHICH The Pooh’s Stash is Entirely Surrounded by Water
 

Never had the 100-Acre Wood seen so much rain. While Piglet was anxious to be such a small thing entirely surrounded by water, The Pooh was focused on the safety of his numerous honey pots.

The Pooh commanded all the animals of the forest to carry his pots to high ground and maintain a twenty-four hour watch until the crisis had passed. It was on this longest of longest of nights that Owl began telling a lengthy nonsensical tale about an aunt giving birth to a seagull’s egg by mistake.

The Pooh suddenly interrupted, “Piglet, my dear friend. Do you happen to have a slingshot? Perhaps the one we took from that boy with the funny smock and unfortunate hair?”

Piglet did indeed have the slingshot and handed it to The Pooh. By this time Owl was fully engaged in the telling of his never-ending story. So The Pooh took aim with his slingshot and fired. The unsuspecting bird let out a blood-curling screech and fell to his death below.

“But The P-p-pooh,” Piglet said, “who will watch the honey pots now? Owl was our best nighttime sentry.”

“Oh, Bother,” Pooh sighed.

 

2 Comments

Filed under humor, life, Uncategorized, Writing

To My Contractor, Scott: Won’t You Please Call Me Back?

imgres

 

Dear Scott:

I am writing to you with actual pen and paper because I keep waiting for you to return my calls and texts and I can’t figure out why you won’t respond.

What went wrong with our relationship, Scott? Did I ask for too many changes? Was I too picky, or did you just get bored?

I heard horror stories of construction projects going unfinished and contractors disappearing, but Scott, I never dreamt it could happen to us.

I look back fondly on our first meeting. I remember I got your number from my friend Natalie. My husband and I needed a kitchen remodel and she said we would “just love you.”

And we did love you, Scott. We did. I could tell immediately that you shared our vision for our new kitchen. You were so enthused and eager to please.You didn’t care that we wanted to convert from electric to gas. You weren’t put off by our request to add a window. You said all the right things.

Remember how we shopped for granite? I can still picture you in the store (oddly in slow motion) sharing your expertise and wisely talking us out of the “cheap stuff.”

The first few months of demo and constructions went so well. But then, something changed. Something went awry. I should have picked up on the signs. When the wrong cabinets were delivered you didn’t apologize and offer to fix the problem. No, you implied that they were exactly what I ordered.

Really Scott? Any idiot could tell the difference between Caramel and Honey Spice. Did you think I was a fool? Did you think I just wouldn’t notice?
Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under comedy, humor, life, Uncategorized

Out, Damned Spot

I’ve never understood how otherwise sensible people let themselves get carried away with cosmetic procedures.  Can’t they see there’s a point where they start to look worse instead of better?

I suppose they begin by wanting a minor fix and then, pleased with the results, opt for another . . . and another . . . and another, until they run out of money or end up on one of those plastic surgery victim websites.

It’s the addictive nature of it that’s kept me away from plastic surgeons and dermatologists alike.

Until now. Continue reading

12 Comments

Filed under aging, comedy, cosmetic surgery, health, illness, life, medical, plastic surgery, Uncategorized, women

I’m Just Like Honey Boo Boo’s Mom!

Help! I don’t know how it happened but somehow I’ve turned into Honey Boo Boo’s mom.

Check out my guest post on LA Parent.

8 Comments

Filed under comedy, Family, humor, kids, life, mother daughter, mothering, parenting

The Fellowship of the Ham

About the time I thought the vein on my neck was going to explode from the stress of the holidays, I was suddenly struck with an unexpected heartwarming feeling. Oddly enough, this happened as I wrote the words “Pick-up ham” on my Christmas week  Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Christmas, culture, Family, food, holidays, life

The Most Un-Cool Mom Ever – Guest Post on Ooph

Check out my post on Ooph – Stefanie Mullen’s website for parents of teens and tweens.

I’m so uncool!

2 Comments

Filed under culture, Family, humor, kids, life, mother daughter, mothering

Book Excerpt from “Where to Dump a Dead Body . . .”

Yesterday I took Buddy to get his shots in case we have to board him during our vacation. I’m really hoping that our friend Barry will house-sit and watch Buddy because he gets so nervous at that boarding place. (Buddy, not Barry) The other dogs frighten him, especially the small ones.

When the vet returned Buddy to me after giving him his shots she apologized about the smell. I was confused at first but then suddenly overcome by the most rancid odor I had ever smelled in my life. The vet explained that Buddy got scared and released the contents of his anal sac.

Huh? I had never heard of such a thing. She said that some dogs do this when they’re incredibly nervous. “Buddy is emotionally delicate. He’s a very insecure dog,” she added.

I immediately took this as an affront. “But, we’re home with him all the time. Buddy knows how much we love him . . . and I hardly ever look at other dogs when we’re out together.”

Maybe it hurt his feelings when we watched that Youtube video of labradoodle puppies the other day? We’ll have to be more discreet with our puppy porn.

The odorous experience left me traumatized. Like a natural disaster victim who feels compelled to share their adrenalin-fueled tale of survival, I had to tell the story of the vet visit to every member of my family. Each time I described the horrible stench, Buddy would look at the ground and groan, “I am so ashamed.”

Finally, my eldest daughter issued an edict that the words “anal sac” could never be uttered in our home again. I reluctantly agreed.

The odor has persisted well into today and it is not helping my mood any. I try to block it out as I look over the notes that my friend gave me about my book. She said that I needed to cut way back on the mom character, even insisting that the mom can’t go on the fantasy journey with the kid. “No kid wants her mom on her fantasy journey,” she said. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But, if I cut the mom out then I’ll have to lose the mom’s love interest, Rolf, the hunky Nordic ski instructor. I love Rolf, the hunky Nordic ski instructor. I miss him already. In any event, I should probably hang on to those Rolf pages for when my book is made into a movie and Jennifer Anniston demands a beefier part.

“Don’t you think you are getting a little ahead of yourself?” Buddy interrupts.

Oh, who asked you?

“You seem stressed out and insecure. Maybe you should release the contents of your anal sac? That always makes me feel better.”

Something to think about.

9 Comments

Filed under comedy, culture, Family, humor, kids, life, mothering, relationships, Writing