Kids: Change the $^*#&% Toilet Paper Roll – A Video

I had the house to myself yesterday so I made a video.

Enjoy!

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Breaking: New Pooh Bear Manuscript Found

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New books from deceased or aged authors are as common now as insulting comments by Donald Trump. Fresh on the heels of new releases by the late Theodor Geisel and Harper, comes rumor of another exciting literary discovery, this time from the estate of A.A. Milne, author of the beloved children’s series, Winnie-the-Pooh.

Word of a new manuscript’s existence has set off a firestorm of debate. Literary experts and others with too much time on their hands believe that Edward Bear: Despot of the Wood (its believed title) will be a stand-alone addition to Milne’s collection, much like the new Dr. Seuss book, What Pet Should I Get. Others claim it will be more akin to Harper Lee’s Go Set A Watchman, likely a rough draft of a later, more impressive work.

In leaked excerpts cited below, the Edward Bear character surprisingly refers to himself simply as “The Pooh,” and comes across as a tad rough around the edges. Experts now speculate that Milne’s original intension was for these stories to scare the bejesus out of his only child; encouraging him to stay the hell away from the dangerous woods.

 

Excerpt from Chapter II: 

IN WHICH Pooh Takes Protection Honey From Rabbit

 

“ . . . Rum-tum-tum-tiddle-um. Here I am at Rabbit’s house. Is anybody at home?”

“No!” said Rabbit.

“Bother. There must be somebody here,” said The Pooh, who wasn’t one to take “No” lightly. The Pooh always liked a little something at eleven o’clock so he forced his way through the hole and got in.

Rabbit was duly terrified of the tyrannical Pooh because of his weekly demands for honey in exchange for not harming Rabbit’s many relations. So he shook nervously as he set out plates and mugs for The Pooh.

“Honey or condensed milk?” Rabbit asked.

The Pooh appeared to be having a thoughtful moment, then took a deep breath and bellowed, “Honey! Always honey. Why do you waste my time? Honey!”

After taking his fill of honey and exacting a promise of a delivery of additional pots later in the week, Pooh began his climb back out of the hole. He pulled with his front paws and pushed with his back. Soon The Pooh became stuck.

Rabbit ran to the outside of the hole to help pull The Pooh, but it was no use. About this time, The Pooh’s loyal henchman Piglet arrived. The Pooh launched into an angry tirade about the poor construction of Rabbit’s hole, made unseemly character aspersions about Rabbit’s relations, then ordered his man Piglet to fetch the girly-haired neighbor lad, Christopher Robin, straight away.

“But P-p-pooh, what if he won’t come?” Piglet asked.

“P-p-Piglet,” The Pooh mocked, “I may be a bear of very little brain, but my claws can shred you into bits of breakfast bacon, and will, if you dare question me again. Now, go get that twit of a boy. And bring me some trousers as well. Why didn’t anyone tell me I wasn’t wearing any bloody trousers?”

 

Excerpt from Chapter IV:

IN WHICH Eeyore Loses a Tail and Pooh Assaults Him With Nails
 

. . . it was on particularly sunny day that Eeyore happened by Pooh Corner where Piglet and The Pooh were resting while their captive human boy Christopher Robin cooled them with a fan made of twigs.

“Good morning Eeyore,” Christopher Robin said.

“That pretty mouth of yours is meant for one thing and it’s not talking,” The Pooh reprimanded.

“If it is a good morning,” Eeyore said. “Which I doubt,” said he.

“W-w-what’s the matter, Eeyore?,” asked Piglet.

“It’s pathetic, “ said Eeyore. “One day soon an evil Fascist will take over Germany, invade Poland, war will be declared and a blitzkrieg of bombs will probably rain down upon us. Nobody cares. Pathetic. That’s what it is”

“Oh Eeyore, you’re always so gloomy.” The Pooh said, and laughed at his strange friend with the ridiculous imagination.

“Pooh?”

“Yes, Eeyore.”

“Would you mind returning my bell rope knocker so that I may have a tail once again?” Eeyore asked.

“Certainly,” The Pooh said. Then The Pooh removed the rope knocker from his door and nailed it into the backside of his dear friend Eeyore.

Eeyore screamed in agony.

“Oh, would you prefer it over here instead?” Pooh asked as he hammered the tail into Eeyore’s chest. “Or over here?” Pooh asked as he hammered the tail once again into Eeyore’s bum.

Eeyore screamed repeatedly and bucked his hind legs and ran into the wood, and The Pooh and Piglet enjoyed a hearty laugh at their good friend’s misfortune.

Excerpt from Chapter IX

IN WHICH The Pooh’s Stash is Entirely Surrounded by Water
 

Never had the 100-Acre Wood seen so much rain. While Piglet was anxious to be such a small thing entirely surrounded by water, The Pooh was focused on the safety of his numerous honey pots.

The Pooh commanded all the animals of the forest to carry his pots to high ground and maintain a twenty-four hour watch until the crisis had passed. It was on this longest of longest of nights that Owl began telling a lengthy nonsensical tale about an aunt giving birth to a seagull’s egg by mistake.

The Pooh suddenly interrupted, “Piglet, my dear friend. Do you happen to have a slingshot? Perhaps the one we took from that boy with the funny smock and unfortunate hair?”

Piglet did indeed have the slingshot and handed it to The Pooh. By this time Owl was fully engaged in the telling of his never-ending story. So The Pooh took aim with his slingshot and fired. The unsuspecting bird let out a blood-curling screech and fell to his death below.

“But The P-p-pooh,” Piglet said, “who will watch the honey pots now? Owl was our best nighttime sentry.”

“Oh, Bother,” Pooh sighed.

 

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Martinis & Motherhood – Available today!!

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The book I’m in is available on Amazon today!

From the Press Release:

June, 16 2015 – Mom’s Night Out is set to have a new theme starting this June when Tipsy Squirrel Press releases its first anthology, Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?!

The book pairs up short and relatable stories of motherhood with customized martini recipes inspired by the tales themselves. Continue reading

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HuffPo Comedy and Advanced Reader Copies of Martinis & Motherhood

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My Contractor Satire piece is in the Huffington Post Comedy section – Likes and comments on HuffPo are welcome!

Here’s a link  “A Letter to My Contractor (Please, Please Call Me Back)”

 

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And, advanced reader copies are now available for the upcoming anthology “Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe  & WTF,” where I’ll be featured in the “WOE” section.  Yes, woe is me.

The publisher has allowed me (3) three copies so if anyone wishes to receive and write a review on Amazon, please contact me at kbrakeman@earthlink.net, or leave a comment below.

Thanks!!

 

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To My Contractor, Scott: Won’t You Please Call Me Back?

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Dear Scott:

I am writing to you with actual pen and paper because I keep waiting for you to return my calls and texts and I can’t figure out why you won’t respond.

What went wrong with our relationship, Scott? Did I ask for too many changes? Was I too picky, or did you just get bored?

I heard horror stories of construction projects going unfinished and contractors disappearing, but Scott, I never dreamt it could happen to us.

I look back fondly on our first meeting. I remember I got your number from my friend Natalie. My husband and I needed a kitchen remodel and she said we would “just love you.”

And we did love you, Scott. We did. I could tell immediately that you shared our vision for our new kitchen. You were so enthused and eager to please.You didn’t care that we wanted to convert from electric to gas. You weren’t put off by our request to add a window. You said all the right things.

Remember how we shopped for granite? I can still picture you in the store (oddly in slow motion) sharing your expertise and wisely talking us out of the “cheap stuff.”

The first few months of demo and constructions went so well. But then, something changed. Something went awry. I should have picked up on the signs. When the wrong cabinets were delivered you didn’t apologize and offer to fix the problem. No, you implied that they were exactly what I ordered.

Really Scott? Any idiot could tell the difference between Caramel and Honey Spice. Did you think I was a fool? Did you think I just wouldn’t notice?
Continue reading

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My Picture Book Available on Kindle Now

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I wrote a picture book!

It’s a counting book with fun rhymes and cute and funny illustrations by my very talented niece, Natalie Berger, who has a Fine Arts degree in Illustration.

For those of you with tiny tots, or  who perhaps need a little refresher on your  own 1-10’s, it’s a steal at $2.99!

It’s only on Kindle for now, but later, who knows?

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00VJ2C0EM

Reviews are also welcome – thank you!

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Why I Won’t Educate My Kids

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I’ve made what some say is a controversial choice.  I refuse to force-educate my kids.  I will not subject my children to dangerous schoolyards, ever-changing teaching methods, and suspect curriculum just because some expert or some government entity says I have to.

I have thoughtfully considered and researched this choice – both online and through posts on celebrity blogs – and because I am a mom that means that the choice I’ve made is the right one for my kids.

Here are the 5 reasons why I refuse to educate:

1)  BIG EDUCATION CAN’T BE TRUSTED.

One minute it’s “No Child Left Behind” and the next it’s “Common Core.”  One day it’s phonetics, then the next it’s whole word.  Continue reading

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TSL Thursday – Beyond Your Blog

As promised, another edition of “Throw Some Love Thursday!”

Today I’d like to introduce you to Beyond Your Blog.  It’s run by Susan Maccarelli.

Susan has posted a ton of links for places to submit your writing – from unpaid guest posts on blogs to paid columns in published books. For anyone trying to boost their writer profile there is lots of helpful advice here.

Enjoy!  And feel free to Throw some Thursday love on your blog.

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Beware Paddington Bear

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When Paddington, the movie about the beloved English bear, arrives in theaters this coming weekend we Americans should be afraid . . . very afraid.

While it might seem like this adorable scamp of a talking bear is just here to delight and make fans this side of the pond, I believe his arrival is actually part of a plot, a sinister and incredibly long-in-the-making plot conceived by the Brits shortly after the Revolutionary War.

In the last few decades, while we as a nation were busy creating and then cleaning up the messes of the world, the Brits quietly and quite unassumingly infiltrated our Continue reading

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Throw Some Love Thursday

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I’m happy to introduce a new feature to my blog, “Throw Some Love Thursday” where I’ll feature a blog I like and/or want to introduce to ya’ll.  I’ll do it every once in awhile – on a Thursday.  Feel free to steal the idea.  I figure, we’re all trying to be heard!

First up is Hairpin Turns Ahead, run by Liesl Testwuide who I was introduced to in last year’s Blogger Idol competition. Liesl had a post go viral last year. Very funny stuff.  Check out Liesl and follow and like and do all that stuff we needy writers appreciate.

Thanks!

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