Category Archives: comedy

TRUMP AVERSION THERAPY BILL

Posted today under pen name Bunny McGillicutty on The Dandy Goat

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In an unusual show of unity, House Republicans joined Democrats in a 421-2 vote to pass the Trump Aversion Therapy Act, which would allocate $300 million towards the rehabilitation of Trump supporters using the controversial Trump Aversion Therapy technique.

The measure’s sponsor, Rep. Richard Whiteman (D-Ohio), said the bill would provide cash incentives to those willing to be rehabilitated.

Details of the therapy have not been released, but sources confirm the Trump Aversion Therapy (TAT) would include the administration of the nausea-inducing drug apomorphine while participants watch Fox News’s Sean Hannity, read stories on Breitbart News, and of course, view clips of Donald Trump’s  (click here to keep reading)

 

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Filed under comedy, humor, politics

Diary of a Facebook Parent Page Post Gone Wrong

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Calldale Canyon High School Parents

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RECENT ACTIVITY

2223-1013-A2265Sheila Haynes Rasmusen

1 hr

Hi CCHS Parents! It’s Sheila Rasmusen, new PTA president, letting you know about the Varsity Football fundraiser this Saturday!

1PM – 6PM Car wash, bake sale, raffle & FUN!! Support our varsity boys!

GO TIGER FOOTBALL!!

Like   Comment

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Jenny Barnes  The Barnes will be there! Wondering – will there be gluten free items at the bake sale? Lucas is gluten sensitive. Hate to have him feel left out.

Like · Reply – 58 mins

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Rick Anderson  We‘re new in town. What football opportunities are there for my 9-year-old twin boys?

Like · Reply – 56 mins

 

2223-1013-A2265Sheila Haynes Rasmusen  Jenny Barnes   I will bring some gluten free items. Rick Anderson I’ll send you a link w/ youth football info. Go Tigers!!

Like · Reply – 55 mins
IMG_4119Jill Wainstock  A car wash – Really? Isn’t there still a drought here in Calldale? Seems pretty irresponsible. Lame.

Like · Reply – 50 mins

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George Stel  FACT: Gluten sensitivity is HOGWASH!

Like · Reply – 45 mins

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Rachel Davidson   Rick Anderson Welcome to Calldale! You’re going to love it here. Not to judge, but why would you let your young boys play football? Have you read the stats on head injuries? Do your research. I happen to care about my kids so I’d never let them play.

Like · Reply – 38 mins  Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, humor, parenting, Uncategorized

When Do I Get to Slumber?

 

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Hi all!

Thrilled to announce that my column, “When Do I Get to Slumber?” is up on the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop page – it’s an excerpt from the parenting collection, Martinis & Motherhood – available on Amazon!.

Click here for the Erma page to read the full column.

Click here to order your copy of Martinis & Motherhood!

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Filed under comedy, parenting

Kids: Change the $^*#&% Toilet Paper Roll – A Video

I had the house to myself yesterday so I made a video.

Enjoy!

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Filed under comedy, humor, mothering, parenting, video

To My Contractor, Scott: Won’t You Please Call Me Back?

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Dear Scott:

I am writing to you with actual pen and paper because I keep waiting for you to return my calls and texts and I can’t figure out why you won’t respond.

What went wrong with our relationship, Scott? Did I ask for too many changes? Was I too picky, or did you just get bored?

I heard horror stories of construction projects going unfinished and contractors disappearing, but Scott, I never dreamt it could happen to us.

I look back fondly on our first meeting. I remember I got your number from my friend Natalie. My husband and I needed a kitchen remodel and she said we would “just love you.”

And we did love you, Scott. We did. I could tell immediately that you shared our vision for our new kitchen. You were so enthused and eager to please.You didn’t care that we wanted to convert from electric to gas. You weren’t put off by our request to add a window. You said all the right things.

Remember how we shopped for granite? I can still picture you in the store (oddly in slow motion) sharing your expertise and wisely talking us out of the “cheap stuff.”

The first few months of demo and constructions went so well. But then, something changed. Something went awry. I should have picked up on the signs. When the wrong cabinets were delivered you didn’t apologize and offer to fix the problem. No, you implied that they were exactly what I ordered.

Really Scott? Any idiot could tell the difference between Caramel and Honey Spice. Did you think I was a fool? Did you think I just wouldn’t notice?
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Filed under comedy, humor, life, Uncategorized

Why Updating My Mom’s Christmas Card List Drove Me To Drink


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My mother needed her Christmas card list updated because – well there’s no gentle way to put it – because her friends keep dying.  Since I printed her address labels the year after my dad died, the maintenance of her Christmas card list is a job that now belongs to me.

I thought it would make things more simple if I printed up a paper version of the labels and sent it to my mom so she could make her corrections and mail it back to me.

But no, she insisted we do it by phone.  This morning she called with her changes.  I held my copy of the printed labels while my mother held hers, and we proceeded to discuss each and every one of the 45 names listed, whether they needed changing or not.

Mother: Mrs. John Bonham, yes that’s right because John died two years ago so it is correct it’s just her.  And okay Mrs. Richard Burke, that’s good, that’s still correct. Mrs. Jill Carlin, yes that’s fine.

Me: Mother, can you just tell me the ones that aren’t correct? Perhaps that would make things go quicker?

Mother: Oh, okay, you prefer to do it that way?

Me: Yes, yes I would.
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Filed under Christmas, comedy, holidays, humor, mother daughter

Book Review – No Land’s Man by Aasif Mandvi

I’ve signed on to do book reviews for the New York Journal of Books.  Here is my first!  It’s on Aasif Mandvi’s essay collection, No Land’s Man

Perhaps you know Aasif Mandvi from The Daily Show.  I didn’t, however. Because I rarely watch The Daily Show.  I know I shouldn’t admit that.  It make me unhip.  I always intend to watch it, but then I forget.  Anyway, I had never heard of this guy before.  Which is probably good because that made me unbiased, right?

Let me know what you think.  By the way, writing in the third person is hard, it turns out.

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http://www.nyjournalofbooks.com/book-review/no-lands-man

No Land’s Man by Aasif Mandvi

If you are looking for behind-the-scenes dish about The Daily Show, you won’t find it in Aasif Mandvi’s collection of essays, No Land’s Man. But what you’ll find instead are fascinating and funny tales about Mandvi’s childhood, South Asian family, and acting career—all told with rich description and an engaging, self-deprecating humor.

Mandvi, the “Senior Muslim Correspondent” for The Daily Show, begins his story with the realization that even though he had just completed a one-man show, “Sakina’s Restaurant,” about being an immigrant in America, the experience left him with a greater desire for more self-exploration.
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Filed under book review, comedy, Writing

Bulky Trash – I Love You

imgres-1It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

Is it time for the holidays already? No. It’s Bulky Item Trash Pick-up week!

I can hardly contain my excitement whenever I receive the postcard from the rubbish company announcing that we can put our oversized trash items at the curb and they will magically be picked up. No questions asked. No extra fee. What a wonderful thing!

It’s so satisfying getting rid of old stuff. I find it truly liberating whenever I purge these unwanted items from my home. I like to put on my gardening gloves and drag to the curb those miscellaneous pieces of lumber, errant cement blocks, and rusted pieces of patio furniture that have been stacked up next to the trash cans. And something about them being labeled as “Bulky Trash” makes them even more repellent.

Go away bulky trash! I banish you from our home!

I look forward to this week for another reason too. I am, apparently, a bit of a scavenger. Okay, some might call me a dumpster diver. Whatever. Guilty as charged.
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Filed under comedy, holidays, Home, humor

Laundry and College in 7 Easy Steps


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Dear Chloe,

Your dad called me at work and said that you said I forgot to teach you how to do laundry. Perhaps you think it was some sort of parental failing on my part, but actually it was intentional. I washed your clothes for the past eighteen years so you could spend your time on more important things like studying, resume building, and improving your social ranking on the Kardashian app.

But since you are leaving for the dorms tomorrow, it’s time to learn. Here is a simple set of instructions.

1. First, check the label of anything expensive or fancy to see if it needs to be dry-cleaned. Set garment aside. On second thought, forget that. You can’t afford dry-cleaning. Why did we even buy something that’s dry-clean only? Let’s donate it and take the tax write off. We need the money to pay for that college.

2. Next, separate DARKS from WHITES. Okay, go ahead and say it, I’ll just wait. “That’s so racist!” Hah! That never gets old. You kids are so clever. Now back to it. Blues, greys, blacks, purples go in one dark pile. Reds, oranges, and pinks go in another. That’s your RED pile. White’s go in a separate pile – a separate but unequal pile. Why are they unequal? Because they need bleach. But we’ll get to that later.
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Filed under college, comedy, Home, humor, kids

Why Moms Hate Summer Vacation


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7A – Wake and have breakfast with bleary-eyed Kid #1 who has not seen this hour, or any time close to it, since school ended two weeks earlier.

8A – Drop Kid #1 at Girl Scout sponsored nature park clean up.  Speed off in car leaving behind giant cloud of dust and pretend that I don’t hear other mom’s last minute request for “extra hands.”

8:30A – Return home and get breakfast for Kid #2 and Kid #3, dog and cat.

9:20A – Drop DVD rentals at video store including dreadful one kids insisted upon starring a fangless, yet still sullen, Robert Pattinson.  Regret wasting $5.00 yet delight in “I told you so” afterglow.
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Filed under Children, comedy, humor, kids, mothering, parenting, Uncategorized