Tag Archives: humor

I Saw A Meteor and Lost My S…

meteorIt’s 6:38 AM and I’m making my kids’ lunches and staring out my kitchen window mindlessly at the valley below, when this light – this incandescent neon green light – catches my eye low on the horizon. The light gets larger and travels east. It’s a meteorite, my groggy mind realizes, a flipping meteorite, shooting across the morning sky.

Quickly I turn to search for my phone because I have to get this on video, right? Because it’s nothing if it’s not on video. But no, I can’t find my phone and even if I could, who was I kidding? There’s no way my middle-aged fingers could have managed to get my video camera on, and capture this thing.

So instead I turn back and watch and just take it in, all the while feeling guilty that I’m witnessing this magnificent sight all-alone. The streak moved across the sky, grew larger, and then turned into a ball – a big, freaking green ball with flames coming off the edges! Then, just like that, it burns up and it’s gone. Continue reading

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Filed under life, los angeles, Uncategorized

I Jinxed El Niño – You Can Blame Me

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Originally published on LA Daily News

“The El Niño rains are still coming! They’ll be here in January . . . February, no, we mean March, possibly April, or even late May,” the local weather forecasters all say.

Yet our days feel remarkably like summer, and El Niño seems like a bust.

I don’t blame the scientists. After all, our ocean waters have indeed warmed; we’ve seen the dead crabs and poisonous snakes on our beaches to prove it.

The scientists are not responsible for the forecasts going awry. In truth, it was me. I stopped the rain from coming, by massively over-preparing and giving into full-throttle storm-watch hysteria. I jinxed El Niño. I jinxed it good.  Continue reading

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Filed under humor, life, los angeles, Science, Southern California, Weather

Laundry 101

I made a video to teach my kids how to do laundry – not sure I actually accomplished that though.

NOW FEATURED ON HUFFINGTON POST PARENTS!

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Filed under humor, parenting

Kids: Change the $^*#&% Toilet Paper Roll – A Video

I had the house to myself yesterday so I made a video.

Enjoy!

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Filed under comedy, humor, mothering, parenting, video

To My Contractor, Scott: Won’t You Please Call Me Back?

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Dear Scott:

I am writing to you with actual pen and paper because I keep waiting for you to return my calls and texts and I can’t figure out why you won’t respond.

What went wrong with our relationship, Scott? Did I ask for too many changes? Was I too picky, or did you just get bored?

I heard horror stories of construction projects going unfinished and contractors disappearing, but Scott, I never dreamt it could happen to us.

I look back fondly on our first meeting. I remember I got your number from my friend Natalie. My husband and I needed a kitchen remodel and she said we would “just love you.”

And we did love you, Scott. We did. I could tell immediately that you shared our vision for our new kitchen. You were so enthused and eager to please.You didn’t care that we wanted to convert from electric to gas. You weren’t put off by our request to add a window. You said all the right things.

Remember how we shopped for granite? I can still picture you in the store (oddly in slow motion) sharing your expertise and wisely talking us out of the “cheap stuff.”

The first few months of demo and constructions went so well. But then, something changed. Something went awry. I should have picked up on the signs. When the wrong cabinets were delivered you didn’t apologize and offer to fix the problem. No, you implied that they were exactly what I ordered.

Really Scott? Any idiot could tell the difference between Caramel and Honey Spice. Did you think I was a fool? Did you think I just wouldn’t notice?
Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, humor, life, Uncategorized

Judge & Fan Favorite This Week! (Round 4 Blogger Idol)

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Ladies and gentlemen, I’m your host, Heather Reese, blogger from My Husband Ate All My Ice Cream. We’re live at the 2013 Blogger Idol Pageant and relieved the horror of the swimsuit competition is behind us! Let’s move ahead as we’re only weeks away from crowning the next Blogger Idol! 

We know our contestants can write. This next segment will reveal just how fast two of our finalists, Kristen Hansen Brakeman and Liesl Testwuide, can think on their feet. Our judges have been given questions to ask each finalist and they’ll be scored on their answers. 

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Liesl and Kristen backstage before the pageant. Although nervous, they enjoyed a laugh after former contestant, Don of all Trades, shared a filthy joke

Let’s begin with a question for Kristen from our first judge, Mother Freakin’ Princess (MFP).

Judge #1: Kristen, I’m a modern day princess who enjoys mountain biking and cooking, so naturally I want to know, what do you think about the recent government shutdown?

Kristen: Oh, totally great question! I’m such a big fan, MFP, because I love pink just like you! I believe the government shutdown is totes important! In fact, it’s just like my platform, “Books for Convicts.”  I believe that if we give convicts books, then they could read books and then they’ll know so much more, and then I believe they could read books to sick children, the elderly and the homeless, and that is why I believe feeding the hungry during the government shutdown is so important!  And so is, “Books for Convicts!” Thank you!

Okay, uh, next question.

Judge #2: My question is for Liesl from Hairpin Turns Ahead. My blog is called I Need a Playdate. Besides a blogger, I’m a parent, teacher and have held a myriad of jobs, from pizza delivery person, to sex toy consultant. Therefore, I’m interested to learn your views on U.S. child labor laws. Continue reading

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Filed under Beauty Pageants, culture, humor, Uncategorized

My Column in Working Mother Magazine

Here’s a humor piece I wrote that was in the Feb/March issue of Working Mother Magazine.  I wrote it last year when I was trying to talk to my daughter while editing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction ceremony. Now, I’m in the edit bay on another Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show! Oh, and my daughter thinks she should get half of the money I earned for selling the article.

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Filed under comedy, Family, humor, kids, parenting

Don’t Call Me Ma’am

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(Post Featured on Freshly Pressed!)

There is a single word in the English language that has the power to ruin my whole day.  That word is Ma’am.

I could be having a perfectly fine day – a great day even – the kind of day where my car starts on the first try, my kids get off to school without a ton of screaming and, when I check myself in the mirror I actually think, “Hey, I don’t look half bad.”

Then I stop by the local coffee place and the hipster barista dude, the one who wears the gross earring gauges, hands me my non-fat latte and says, “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Ah, come on.  Really?  Did you have to?

Of course I politely say “Thank you,” back to the little whippersnapper, but in my head I’ve added a very irritated, “Don’t call me Ma’am, d#$%khead.” Continue reading

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Filed under aging, beauty, comedy, culture, Uncategorized, women

Teachers – Give Us Parents A Break!

I know it’s a huge cultural taboo to criticize teachers, but they are not always perfect and I can’t keep quiet about this any longer.

My beef is with the relentless assignment of outside projects.  I am fine with kids doing regular homework, but don’t teachers realize how much time and money these extra projects cost us parents? Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, education, Family, humor, kids, mothering, parenting, Uncategorized

I had coffee with my canines!

I recently did an online interview with my dogs.  I did most of the talking. It’s on Marshal Zeringue’s Coffee With a Canine blog.

Why does my coffee cup look empty? Because I had doggie treats in the bottom.

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Filed under humor, musings, pets