Book Excerpt from “Where to Dump a Dead Body . . .”

Yesterday I took Buddy to get his shots in case we have to board him during our vacation. I’m really hoping that our friend Barry will house-sit and watch Buddy because he gets so nervous at that boarding place. (Buddy, not Barry) The other dogs frighten him, especially the small ones.

When the vet returned Buddy to me after giving him his shots she apologized about the smell. I was confused at first but then suddenly overcome by the most rancid odor I had ever smelled in my life. The vet explained that Buddy got scared and released the contents of his anal sac.

Huh? I had never heard of such a thing. She said that some dogs do this when they’re incredibly nervous. “Buddy is emotionally delicate. He’s a very insecure dog,” she added.

I immediately took this as an affront. “But, we’re home with him all the time. Buddy knows how much we love him . . . and I hardly ever look at other dogs when we’re out together.”

Maybe it hurt his feelings when we watched that Youtube video of labradoodle puppies the other day? We’ll have to be more discreet with our puppy porn.

The odorous experience left me traumatized. Like a natural disaster victim who feels compelled to share their adrenalin-fueled tale of survival, I had to tell the story of the vet visit to every member of my family. Each time I described the horrible stench, Buddy would look at the ground and groan, “I am so ashamed.”

Finally, my eldest daughter issued an edict that the words “anal sac” could never be uttered in our home again. I reluctantly agreed.

The odor has persisted well into today and it is not helping my mood any. I try to block it out as I look over the notes that my friend gave me about my book. She said that I needed to cut way back on the mom character, even insisting that the mom can’t go on the fantasy journey with the kid. “No kid wants her mom on her fantasy journey,” she said. Maybe she’s right. I don’t know. But, if I cut the mom out then I’ll have to lose the mom’s love interest, Rolf, the hunky Nordic ski instructor. I love Rolf, the hunky Nordic ski instructor. I miss him already. In any event, I should probably hang on to those Rolf pages for when my book is made into a movie and Jennifer Anniston demands a beefier part.

“Don’t you think you are getting a little ahead of yourself?” Buddy interrupts.

Oh, who asked you?

“You seem stressed out and insecure. Maybe you should release the contents of your anal sac? That always makes me feel better.”

Something to think about.

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Posted in comedy, culture, Family, humor, kids, life, mothering, relationships, Writing
9 comments on “Book Excerpt from “Where to Dump a Dead Body . . .”
  1. Adam S says:

    Hilarious! I’ve never heard the term “anal sac”, but now that I think of it, my aunt’s anti-social dog poos every time I’m around. It hates me. I hate it too. That’s why it poo’s. That was a Haiku…I think?

    • krisbrake says:

      Yeah I could have gone my whole life without learning the term!
      From Petplace.com “The anal glands (also called anal sacs) are two glands that secrete a pungent fluid. The fluid travels through small ducts that open into the anus. Typically, this fluid is released during defecation or territorial marking.”
      More info than you wanted, eh!!

  2. Haha somethings we just can’t “unread”

  3. Oh, the dreaded anal sac issues. I had no idea what they were until my mother-in-law was giving me dog advice (I get a lot of unsolicited advice from her) and said my golden needed her “anal sac expelled.” Needless to say, I didn’t jump on that task!

    • krisbrake says:

      now there’s some m.i.l. advice you don’t hear every day. And thank goodness for that. I’ve heard people take their dogs to get that done, but really why mess with nature unless there’s some problem there? Blek!!

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