Category Archives: comedy

Why Moms Hate Summer Vacation

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7A – Wake and have breakfast with bleary-eyed Kid #1 who has not seen this hour, or any time close to it, since school ended two weeks earlier.

8A – Drop Kid #1 at Girl Scout sponsored nature park clean up.  Speed off in car leaving behind giant cloud of dust and pretend that I don’t hear other mom’s last minute request for “extra hands.”

8:30A – Return home and get breakfast for Kid #2 and Kid #3, dog and cat.

9:20A – Drop DVD rentals at video store including dreadful one kids insisted upon starring a fangless, yet still sullen, Robert Pattinson.  Regret wasting $5.00 yet delight in “I told you so” afterglow.

9:30A – Pack Kid #2 and Kid #3 in car again and pick up remarkably unsoiled Kid #1. Return home and make mid-morning snack for Kids #1, #2 and #3.

10:30A – Go to grocery store for more supplies.

12:00N – Make lunch for Kids #1, #2 and #3.

1:00P – Take Kid #1 to fashion design sketching class.  Fantasize about her upcoming career as famous fashion designer, including guest judge appearance on Project Runway.  Acknowledge that Kid #1 will likely live at home for a very long time.

1:30P – Take Kid #3 to swim-date at friend’s house.  During drive get instructed by Kid #3 that I shouldn’t get out of the car when we get there, for fear I will engage in a long conversation with her friend’s mom, thus ruining the whole experience.

2:00P – Return home and learn that Kid #2 hijacked my cell phone to text an invitation to friend for swim-date at our house.

2:30P – Welcome Kid #2A and immediately prepare snacks for Kid #2 and Kid #2A.

3:00P – Abandon plans to do laundry or anything really because must now supervise swim-date.

4:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from sketch class.  Make futile attempts to glean information about content of said class.

5:30P – Feed dinner to Kid #2 and Kid #2A.  Pour self a heart-healthy glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  Realize may not drink heart-healthy Cabernet Sauvignon as still need to take Kid #2 and #2A to #2A’s recently separated father’s new apartment to “check it out” and watch a movie.

6:00P – Take Kid #1 to coed birthday party for now 14-year-old friend.  (Read laughably tiny font at bottom of invitation indicating that there will be parental supervision.)

6:15P – Take Kid #2 and #2A to the dad’s pad.  Take note of ne’r-do-well teens hanging out on balconies of neighboring apartments.  Silently wish that 11-year-old Kid #2 and her friend, Kid 2A did not already look like leggy teens.

6:30P – Drop Kid #3’s overnight bag at her friend’s house in order to accommodate impromptu sleepover invitation.  Sadly decline offer of libation, due to aforementioned driving duties.

7:00P – Return to find husband home from work.  Detect goofy grin on husband’s face.  Listen as husband points out that the kids are all gone, heh, heh, and you know what that could mean.  Offer up, “Umm, we have control of the remote?”

8:00P – Phone rings.  Kid #3 wants to cancel sleepover date.  Pick up Kid #3 and reassure her on drive home that her friend’s house does not have ghosts.  The white blur in the hallway likely just the pasty daddy legs of her friend’s father

9:30P – Pick up Kid #2 from the bachelor pad apartment.  Inquire as to the rating of already watched movie.  Convince self that she meant to say she saw The Squeakquel and not The Saw sequel.

10:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from the birthday party.  Conduct inconspicuous sniffing in entryway to smell for booze and cigarettes.  Thankfully detect none.  Note that birthday girl’s parents look a good ten years older than at party’s start, four hours earlier.

10:30P – Return home and cajole kids into their beds.  Finally reach for glass of Cabernet, but decide it is too late to drink alcohol unless desire that awful morning headache.  Opt for butterscotch brownie and calcium-rich milk instead.

11:00P – Go online and research sleep-away camp availability for remainder of summer.  Send email inquiring if there is room for just one more.  Also ask if they take adults.

 

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Filed under Children, comedy, humor, kids, mothering, parenting, Uncategorized

10 Parenting Tips You Won’t Hear From Experts

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I’m not a psychologist, pediatrician, or child development expert, but I do have three kids, one of whom is almost an adult. Over the years I’ve read a ton of parenting books, often desperate for insight or answers. But what I found is that most parenting advice is just trite hooey.  I mean, if we could all magically just nod off and “sleep when our baby sleeps” or “find ways to make time for ourselves,” then we wouldn’t be seeking advice in the first place.

I’ve made my own discoveries along the way.  Here are a few practical pieces of advice, things experts won’t tell you.

1) You don’t need to videotape every second.

Sometimes it’s nice to simply enjoy a school performance, soccer game, or birthday party without the burden of videotaping.  Besides, it’s better to videotape every day moments like your kids playing dress-up, building a fort, or having a conversation with their grandparents. They’ll mean a lot more to you in twenty years than some barely watchable clip of your kid standing behind 100 other kids singing, “Wacky Weather.”  Oh, and don’t bother getting cutaways and insert shots thinking you’re going to edit the video later. Trust me, it ain’t gonna happen.

2) Don’t volunteer during hectic months.

Arrive early at back-to-school night so you can have your choice of party signups. Pick the lesser holiday parties, like Valentines Day, Columbus Day, or even Arbor Day.  Don’t be stupid and sign up for the “Winter Holiday” party, because when December 18th rolls around and you haven’t started your “Winter Holiday” shopping, and your older daughter has a “Winter Holiday” choral performance that night, and your son needs help studying for his semester finals, the last thing you need is to suddenly remember that you signed up to bake twenty-five cupcakes for the fourth grade “Winter Holiday” Party. Continue reading

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Filed under Children, comedy, humor, kids, parenting, Uncategorized

What’s Your Real Hair Color and Other Nosy Security Questions

** Check out the full post on Huffington Post Comedy – click HERE

Those website security questions used to be so easy and straightforward like, “What’s your mother’s maiden name, high school mascot, or favorite pie?”

But now they’ve gotten strange. Either the website designers are trying hard to foil the hackers or, as I suspect, they’re just really, really bored. What else could account for these bizarre actual security questions?

What was your favorite game to play as a child? 

Good Lord, who on earth would remember such a thing? And do they mean board game like Dream Date, or like kickball or hide and seek? I need some clarity here.

What was your dream job as a child? 

When I was a five I wanted to be a mermaid. I wonder if that counts as an actual job.

What was your favorite place to visit as a child?

Okay, really people, let’s think about this for a second — if I can’t remember my password, one I created only a month ago, why do you think I can remember what games I liked to play, or what I thought or felt like back when I was a child, so many eons ago?

What was the name of your first pet?

Sandy. Uh, darn. Now you all know it and now I can’t use that.

Where is your great grandmother buried?

Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, technology, websites

Hollister Horror: A Back to School Shopping Tale of Terror

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I’ve been to a little place in parenting hell and its name is Hollister.

My sixth grade daughter asked for a few new shirts to start the school year. She lobbied hard for a trip to Hollister because she heard they had “cute tanks” on sale.  Since she cleverly showed price awareness, I relented.

Hollister, it turns out, is the equally perfumed spawn of Abercrombie and Fitch. It has a beach-themed facade and the clothes in the window displays are indeed quite cute. I could understand why my daughter wanted to shop there.

But, as I walked into the store, I was stopped dead in my tracks by the sound of thumping, booming, ear-splitting pop music.

Now I’m not noise sensitive. I’m married to a sound mixer and in my own line of work I have had to stand right next to speaker columns during rock concerts. In fact one particular Keith Richards shoot probably half-deafened me.

I’ve videotaped airplane take offs and I even stood on pit road filming during the Daytona 500. But, none of these experiences prepared me for the deafening decibels I endured at Hollister. It was like a top-forty terror attack on my senses.

Yet workers seemed oblivious to the assault. Maybe news stories tying hearing loss in teens to earbuds and “iEardamage” technologies are off base – loud stores like Hollister may be more to blame.

My daughter, unbothered by the rave-level racket, bolted for the back of the store where the desired sale items were housed. I tried to follow, but kept bumping into tables and clothing racks. Was I getting a sudden onset of cataracts, I wondered.  Why was the store so very dark?  Did Hollister forget to pay its electric bill? Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, culture, Family, fashion, humor, life, Shopping, Uncategorized

Driven to Distraction

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MORE ROAD RAGE!

Okay I’m back at work again which means three hours round trip commute, which means three hours in my car in L.A. traffic, which means three hours of Road Rage! Continue reading

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Filed under advertising, business, comedy, culture, humor, Uncategorized, work

Guest post on Wise Sister!

My “10 Ways to Annoy Your Teenager” piece is on Wise Sister, a blog devoted to “Lifestyle Design for Clever Young Women.”

Check it out and other musings by guest writers and blog host, Jenny Wise.  (Who is a clever young woman herself)

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Filed under comedy, culture, Family, kids, mother daughter, mothering, parenting, teenagers

Your Vitamin Water Angers Me

I survive my long commute to the Westside each day by listening to the silly antics of drive time morning radio DJ’s.  But my enjoyment of their juvenile humor comes to a screeching halt when I hear this one insipid radio ad.

I know I shouldn’t let it get under my skin. I should just reach over and change the channel. But, like a grisly accident scene where you know you shouldn’t look, but do anyway, I feel compelled to listen. And besides, I don’t want to miss a moment of the Showbiz beat.

The ad I’m referring to is for vitamin water, of all things – something innocuous, something that could potentially help me, but instead so infuriates me that I’m surprised I haven’t had a massive coronary right there on the freeway. Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, culture, entertainment

My Column in Working Mother Magazine

Here’s a humor piece I wrote that was in the Feb/March issue of Working Mother Magazine.  I wrote it last year when I was trying to talk to my daughter while editing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction ceremony. Now, I’m in the edit bay on another Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show! Oh, and my daughter thinks she should get half of the money I earned for selling the article.

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Filed under comedy, Family, humor, kids, parenting

Don’t Call Me Ma’am

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(Post Featured on Freshly Pressed!)

There is a single word in the English language that has the power to ruin my whole day.  That word is Ma’am.

I could be having a perfectly fine day – a great day even – the kind of day where my car starts on the first try, my kids get off to school without a ton of screaming and, when I check myself in the mirror I actually think, “Hey, I don’t look half bad.”

Then I stop by the local coffee place and the hipster barista dude, the one who wears the gross earring gauges, hands me my non-fat latte and says, “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Ah, come on.  Really?  Did you have to?

Of course I politely say “Thank you,” back to the little whippersnapper, but in my head I’ve added a very irritated, “Don’t call me Ma’am, d#$%khead.” Continue reading

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Filed under aging, beauty, comedy, culture, Uncategorized, women

Take Me Out Of The Softball Game

Photo03261100I’ve never liked the phrase, “There are two kinds of people in the world,” but when it comes to sports, I suspect it’s true.  There are jocks and non-jocks, and I’m definitely one of the latter.

So when a couple of women on my husband’s rec league softball team canceled at the last minute and he asked me to fill in, I was not enthused.  As a kid I was always the “last pick,” and the idea of getting out on that field filled me with painful memories.  To make things even worse – I had no softball costume to wear.

My husband said some nonsense about having the right men to women ratio and having to forfeit, and blah, blah, blah, cry me a river.  Continue reading

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Filed under aging, comedy, culture, humor, life, softball, sports, Uncategorized