I Retrained My Algorithm and Saved My Life  

or “How I Spent My Summer”

With my work in Hollywood dried up, I faced a long summer with a lot of time on my hands. I looked on the bright side – I could use this time to catch up on reading, movies, and maybe even organize those cupboards last cleaned during the Covid lockdown. 

But most importantly, I would not spend my days doomscrolling social media apps. I would be strong. After all, I was already sad about not working, I didn’t need to read depressing news about the state of our world. 

After a long and harrowing withdrawal period (one day), it became clear that I was not strong. I was weak. I was also addicted. Terribly. 

So instead of quitting social media, I began an experiment to see if I could retrain my algorithm to eliminate any depressing news. I muted and unfollowed political accounts, and then actively engaged with accounts that posted about everything else.

Friends, I succeeded beyond expectations, replacing my mostly news and political feed with accounts that provided an endless supply of helpful tips, advice, and possibly lifesaving, information. Here’s just a taste of what I’ve learned:

• Those racing thoughts, forgetfulness, and quirky habits are almost certainly undiagnosed ADHD.
• Movies are back!
• Always drink a full cup of water before morning coffee for some reason I can’t remember.
• Centuries of Chinese grandmothers have increased their longevity by arm swinging.
• That adorable pet video everyone shared was probably made with AI. Sigh.
• I don’t know who needs to hear this but stick out your tongue out and hold it there to lower your cortisol levels.
• Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey was cinematic genius; an inspired interpretation of the original text.
• Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey was crap, and “historically” inaccurate.
• By counting how many times you can rise from a chair within 30 seconds you can predict how long until you die. Helpful hint: if under 12, get those affairs in order.     
• That job you applied for – there’s a good chance it was fake. Just give up and return to scrolling.
• … or move to Portugal, Spain, or Panama with your passive income. Or go to Albania where you can live for a full year without a visa. 
• Your people pleasing, perfectionism, and imposter syndrome are almost certainly signs of undiagnosed high-functioning anxiety.
• There’s a better way to clean your shower/windows/refrigerator.
• There’s an oddly shaped raccoon/rambunctious seal/dying eagle in Seattle/Tasmania/Big Bear and everyone is enchanted/agog/devastated about it.
• Scrubbing hard behind your ears, the back of your neck, and your navel can help to avoid “Old People Smell.” Also, persimmon soap works wonders.
• The World Cup exceeded all expectations and visitors to America were charmed by our hospitality, generous food servings, and regional travel stops.   
• The World Cup fans posting adoring content about America were very likely paid influencers.  
• Centuries of monks have increased their longevity with their special plant-rich diet.
• Americans spend more money on lottery tickets than books.
• If you want to sell your home, you better not put a pedestal sink, oversized vanity, or wallpaper in your bathroom.
• Safety tips no one talks about – always cover that hotel door peephole, never put your feet up on a dashboard, and for goodness sakes clean that lint trap in your dryer before you burn your house down.
• There is some job or role that is called, “founder,” and a lot of people want to connect with the people who hold that title.
• Centuries of Sardinian shepherds have increased their longevity with their regular cardiovascular workout. 
• Those voices in your head – almost certainly undiagnosed schizophrenia. 
• If you didn’t know what was happening on House of The Dragon, you are not alone.
• Magnesium glycinate is apparently a cure all, helping with insomnia, restless legs, and almost certainly that undiagnosed ADHD.