Driven to Distraction



Okay I’m back at work again which means three hours round trip commute, which means three hours in my car in L.A. traffic, which means three hours of Road Rage!

Fortunately my anger is not directed at my fellow drivers.  Instead it is firmly aimed at drive-time radio and the endless amount of stupid, stupid, stupid radio ads that I must endure.

I know.  I should switch to satellite radio or books on tape, or learn a language during my drive.  But I don’t want to do any of those things.  I want to listen to my favorite radio guys, Kevin and Bean, with Ralph and his showbiz report.  Or sometimes I’ll listen to Ryan Seacrest when he does that “Ryan’s Roses” shtick where they trap some unsuspecting philanderer into sending free roses to his secret girlfriend (even though I’ve always doubted that these calls are real ’cause of FCC laws and stuff.)  Oh, and I also have to check the traffic updates every five minutes.

Bottom line – I have my drive time listening routine and I’m not changing it, thank you.

But my commitment to commercial radio means I have to suffer through some pretty lame ads, like that one for the mattress store, where the guy yells at you in the most grating voice, “You’re killing me, Larry!”

His voice is so irritating that it makes me think, “For the love of God, someone find this Larry and give him the means to make that actually happen!”

The ad that really gets me though; the one that I’ve stupidly let get under my skin, is for the new Ford C-Class or C-Max of something.  I guess its Ford’s answer to the Prius  – a zippy, environmentally friendly little hybrid.

Apparently Ford’s ad guys figure that there is a certain type of buyer who wants this Prius-like Ford, and that type of buyer happens to be a self-satisfied, buzz-word using idiot.

Cause they have this girl, a young lady who we are supposed to believe is an actual Ford C-Max buyer, talking about how great her life is now; how freaking enriched it is because she bought a flipping Ford C-Max.

I have no proof, but it strikes me that this Ford C-Max owner is really an actress reading a script, a very dopey script prepared by some very dopey advertising guys.  Everything about this ad reeks of dweeby advertising dudes sitting around a table, brainstorming catch phrases that they dug up in their urban dictionary.  I can just picture them shouting out hot button words like Green Growth and Upcycle and Eco-bling, wondering if they’ll appeal to potential Ford C-Max buyers.

Anyway, this Ford C-Max buyer girl instantly irritates me when she says that driving her new Ford C Class makes her feel “Conscious.”
What?!!!!  Conscious?

What the hell does that mean?

Listen, Ford ad company dudes, nobody, but nobody in the real world would ever say, “It makes me feel conscious.”   Do you hear me?  NOBODY.

You might say you feel self-conscious, or environmentally conscious, or maybe you are conscious of the fact that blah blah blah, but no actual real person would ever say, “It makes me feel conscious!”

If by saying “it makes me feel conscious,” she really means she feels awake and responsive to stimuli, well then I sure as hell hope so – because if she’s driving a car she better damn well be awake and responsive to stimuli!  That is the actual definition of “conscious!”

This C-Max buyer goes on to say that her new car makes her feel “New and Relevant.”

Ah, come on.  Really?   Your car makes you feel new and relevant?  Well, you are indeed one vapid delight, aren’t you?

Then she mutters something about liking the family feeling of Ford, and then a second or two later she says something about her Ford being sexy.  Wait, her car feels both “family” and “sexy?”  Eww!

That’s just not right.  In my book, something’s either family or sexy, but not both.  No one talks about the sexy new Cars ride at Disneyland or that family feeling you get from watching Game of Thrones.

Our very real buyer sums up her very real string of thoughts by saying she, “ . . . likes using less of what I call, the earth’s blood.”

That term just came off the top of your head, did it?  It’s not possible that the ad guys happened to find that term in a Google search or maybe saw a book by that title, and then somehow the earth’s blood spilled into your script and then out your mouth?

Oh dear.

Now my own blood is pumping too quickly – much, much too quickly . . .

Must not think about Ford C-Max ad anymore.

Must stay calm and remain “Conscious.”

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Posted in advertising, business, comedy, culture, humor, Uncategorized, work
16 comments on “Driven to Distraction
  1. Doug Seim says:

    I think the idiot ad writer meant “conscientious”. Ha!

    • krisbrake says:

      I think you’re right Doug. For some reason that part really irks me. I did look it up – the third or fourth definition is “aware” of something – still a stretch in my opinion!

  2. Bill Berger says:

    You had me at “Conscious”. I’ve been screaming at my radio about the girl who now feels Relevant too!!! Well I guess we were all suppose to ignore her before she had this car??? Now that she is Relevant? This script must have been written by comity; choosing all the words that make us feel “positive”? As for me I must remain Relevant.

    Bill From: Kristen Hansen Brakeman Reply-To: Kristen Hansen Brakeman Date: Wednesday, August 14, 2013 4:09 PM To: William Berger Subject: [New post] ROAD RAGE: The Sequel krisbrake posted: ” Okay Im back at work again which means three hours round trip commute, which means three hours suffering in my car in L.A. traffic, which means three hours of Road Rage! Fortunately my anger is not directed at my fellow drivers. Instead it is fi”

  3. candidkay says:

    Must. Succumb. To. Satellite. Radio. Best money I ever spent just to get away from the commercials . . .

  4. Janine says:

    I hate that commercial. The second I hear the first few words my hand automatically reaches to change the station. I like hearing music when driving, so what really bugs me is that all the stations seem to play commercials at the same time. Infuriating. I love Kevin and Bean too – they’ve been on forever. And before them, it was Richard Blade.

  5. I’m so with you! The advertisers these days are getting a bit too in your face and its creeping me out. Amazon is the worst, I received 5 freaking “emailvertisements” a day from these guys, and I’m seriously sick of it. So I refuse to purchase anything from them. I just read about the future of in your face advertisements the other day. Let’s say you subscribed to some recipie site, next time you go to the grocery store and you go down the peanut butter isle you’re going to get a email or text with a 50 cent coupn for Jiffy Peanut butter while you’re standing in front of the damn things! I am the only one who finds this creepy? I hope we all teach these advertisers a lesson and refuse to purchase anything that is advertised to us like this. That is the only way this invasion is going to stop. If you really want to ruin your day you should read some privacy policies or anyone of the consent agreements we blindly agree to without reading. It will scare the crap out of you when you find out what you’re agreeing to let these companies do with your info.

  6. leslie says:

    Makes me want to ride in the car with you. It will likely make me thoughtful.

  7. The Guat says:

    HA! This was a good one. That commercial really burn me out. Try to stay “conscious” while you’re on the 405 🙂

  8. I was in LA this summer and I could not believe the gridlock on the interstate there. We have about the same volume of traffic in Atlanta but it is usually bumper to bumper….running eighty five miles per hour! Too much NASCAR I guess.

  9. New Ford Hater says:

    This commercial is extremely irritating. It comes up about every three songs I listen to on Spotify. The part that really pisses me off is when she says she feels great about using less of “what she likes to call” the ‘earth’s blood’. Smug fuck.

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