Why Updating My Mom’s Christmas Card List Drove Me To Drink



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My mother needed her Christmas card list updated because – well there’s no gentle way to put it – because her friends keep dying.  Since I took over the printing of her address labels after my dad died, now the maintenance of her Christmas card list is a job that firmly belongs to me.

I thought it would make things more simple if I printed up a paper version of the labels and sent it to my mom so she could make her corrections and mail it back to me.

But no, she insisted we do it by phone.  This morning she called with her changes.  I held my copy of the printed labels while my mother held hers, and we proceeded to discuss each and every one of the 45 names listed, whether they needed changing or not.

Mother: Mrs. John Bonham, yes that’s right because John died two years ago so it is correct it’s just her.  And okay Mrs. Richard Burke, that’s good, that’s still correct. Mrs. Jill Carlin, yes that’s fine.

Me: Mother, can you just tell me the ones that aren’t correct? Perhaps that would make things go quicker?

Mother: Oh, okay, you prefer to do it that way?

Me: Yes, yes I would.

Mother: All right.  Susie Gallagher moved. Didn’t I tell you that?  I swear I remember telling you that.  You see she felt like the house was just too big for her after Jim died and so she moved into a smaller place that’s closer to her daughter Jennifer. Jennifer is so helpful the way she comes over to Susie’s house each week and cleans and pays her bills for her and takes her to all her doctor appointments. . . “

Me: Yes, yes, Jennifer is a wonderful daughter. I’m glad things are working out.  But can you please tell me Susie’s new address?

Mother: Oh, sure, sure. Didn’t I give it to you already?  But wait, before I forget, take off that Karen Russell.

Me: Why? Did she die?

Mother: No, no. But she never sends me a card so take her off. And take off Evelyn Stoner, she stopped sending me cards too. Well she sent a couple, so I put her back on the list, but then a few years passed and she stopped again. So let’s just take her off. And take off Marilyn Stanich too.

Me: Wait, I thought she had Alzheimer’s? She’s still alive right?

Mother: Yes. But, she has gotten quite a bit worse. Even if she remembers who I am, she forgets to send me a card in return, so let’s take her off then.

Me: Just because she has Alzheimer’s! Are you punishing her because she’s sick? Don’t you think she’d enjoy a card even if she doesn’t know who it’s from? She might even enjoy it more than other people because she might think it’s a new card each day!

Mother: Oh, all right, fine, keep her on the list then. It just seems like a big waste of money if she doesn’t have any idea who I am or where the card came from. But, that’s fine, you’re probably right.

But do take off Evelyn Wagoner. She did finally die. She had been battling Parkinson’s for quite some time. Her daughter Noreen had her move in to her house and she took care of her. But of course she had quite a large house down in Newport and her three children were all grown, not like yours . . . And you have the Mosengs in Norway on there, right? There address is 5332 Tveeterassvien, Bergen . . .

Me: Mother, we are looking at the very same list. If you’re reading the address off the list, then it’s a safe bet that I have it too.

Mother: Well you don’t need to be sarcastic.

Me: I’m sorry. Okay, is that it? No one else died?  No one else to punish for failing to send you a card?  Cause I could make these changes and get the labels in the mail later today.

Mother: Oh, no need to rush. I don’t ever send cards this early. Although I do need to send the international ones right away. You could send those labels to me.

Me: Mother, they’re on the same sheet of labels – They all print at one time. I will send them today.

Mother: Thank you. Do you need me to reimburse you for the labels? I’m happy to pay for them.

Me: No, mother that’s fine. Consider the two sheets of labels an early Christmas gift.

Mother: Well, thank you. Are you sure? Because I could write you a check.

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6 comments on “Why Updating My Mom’s Christmas Card List Drove Me To Drink
  1. Marla Zack says:

    Brilliant! Simply brilliant. Thank you for adding some holiday cheer. Please write more blogs about the conversations you have with your mom.

  2. Lori Nielsen says:

    Love it! It brought back memories of very similar conversations between my Mom and my grandmother when I was young.

  3. Gaia Winter says:

    It seems to me I have had a very similar conversation!!!! Great article!

  4. Julie Gelfand says:

    Hilarious and spot on, as usual. And I feel like I’ve lived that conversation myself.

  5. Karen Van Kirk says:

    Love it!

  6. leslie says:

    …and yet another winner! I loved this.
    Here is my favorite part, ” But of course they had quite a large house down in Newport and her three children were all grown, not like yours.”….it is the subtlety of our parents’ digs that always makes these conversations so heart-warming!

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