Why I Won’t Educate My Kids

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I’ve made what some say is a controversial choice.  I refuse to force-educate my kids.  I will not subject my children to dangerous schoolyards, ever-changing teaching methods, and suspect curriculum just because some expert or some government entity says I have to.

I have thoughtfully considered and researched this choice – both online and through posts on celebrity blogs – and because I am a mom that means that the choice I’ve made is the right one for my kids.

Here are the 5 reasons why I refuse to educate:

1)  BIG EDUCATION CAN’T BE TRUSTED.

One minute it’s “No Child Left Behind” and the next it’s “Common Core.”  One day it’s phonetics, then the next it’s whole word. 

Clearly the education experts are anything but, so why would I blindly hand my child over to them?

Also, the whole system is just designed to funnel kids into expensive colleges so Big Education can take our money. All those teachers that preach taking college prep – they’re actually getting paid to encourage our kids to study. They don’t really care about them.

As a parent it’s my job to completely research, test, and approve all foods, medicines, and learning materials that my children are exposed to.  But I can’t do that. I simply don’t have the time and besides, what am I, a scientist?  So how can I know if what my kids learn in school is correct or safe?  I can’t.  And I certainly can’t trust money-influenced experts that don’t even know my children.

2)  SCHOOLS ARE DANGEROUS.

These experts also say that education leads to better jobs, but do they deny the fact that schools are dangerous places?

I won’t send my child to a place where they might be exposed to violence, drugs, or even worse, sex.  No thank you.  It’s a fact that learning to read leads to learning to text, and learning to sext falls naturally right behind. I’m keeping my kids safe at home where there is absolutely no sex I can assure you.

Also, what about ADHD and Autism and Dyslexia? Back before kids were force-educated we never heard about any of these problems.  That proves that forcing kids to get an education must cause these problems, and is both unnatural and wrong.

2)  HERD EDUCATING IS PSUEDO SCIENCE

Some people have actually accused me of being irresponsible for refusing to educate my children, and claim that I’m putting other people’s children at risk because it weakens the “herd.”  Well, if their kids are so smart and educated, how could my uneducated kids hurt them — unless they’re saying that stupidity is actually contagious?

If herd educating really works, then their children and my children will be just fine, won’t they?  If my daughter can’t count her change at the grocery store then someone from the “educated herd” can help take her money.  And if my son can’t read the sign to know which bathroom to use, I’m sure some helpful man from the “educated herd” will be eager to take my son into a bathroom stall.  I’m not worried.

4)  CHILDREN NATURALLY LEARN.

It’s a given fact that kids naturally learn and grow smarter without our unnatural intervention.  By simply eating the right foods, washing their hands, and taking their non-Big Pharma vitamins, children are able to naturally inherit the knowledge of the universe.

Kids don’t need a bunch of unnecessary facts and figures interfering with their natural absorption of information.  It confuses their minds, and many unnamed studies I’ve heard about have shown that educated kids have more illnesses than uneducated. Besides, any really important information will be provided to them by the wood fairies who constantly watch over and guide them.

5)  ONCE YOU EDUCATE, YOU CAN’T UN-EDUCATE!

The simple fact is that once you’ve sent your child to school and educate them, you can’t un-do it.  Take it from me, a little education is a dangerous thing.

Parents, you have to do the research for yourselves.  Be informed.  Educate yourself . . . but not your kids.

This is clearly a very controversial subject, but until it’s proven to my satisfaction that education is safe and beneficial, I’m not taking any chances.  I just wish people would realize that it doesn’t help solve the debate when people like me are attacked, mocked, or vilified just for having a different opinion.

Because I’m not ignorant.  I’m not selfish.  I’m not dumb.  I have done a good deal of critical thinking to come to my decision and because it is my personal belief, it needs to be respected as such.

Parents always know what’s right for their children and, just like the 5th Amendment protects us from absolutely any repercussions for anything we say, I have the right to voice my opinion and do what I please, because that’s what freedom means.  I get to make personal choices that I think are right for my child regardless of how it affects anyone else, and because I believe I am making the right choice for my child, it therefore is the right choice.

That is a fact that I dare the experts to refudiate.

* Now you can like or dislike this post on Huffington Post.

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25 Comments

Filed under humor, medical, parenting

25 responses to “Why I Won’t Educate My Kids

  1. Contagious stupidity…haha! That was a funny point 😉

  2. I was just thinking about the same comparison just last night… Love it and will be sharing a link to your post!

  3. HERD EDUCATING IS PSEUDO SCIENCE! Dying of laughter (which, incidentally, is also contagious). Brilliant post. I’ll be sharing this far and wide.

  4. R.L. Saunders

    Saying, under the guise of satire, that people who don’t vax are as stupid as people who aren’t traditionally schooling their children, isn’t satire that works for nonschooling families who actually don’t believe traditional schooling is the best way for one or more of their children to learn (for reasons far more diverse than the stereotypical ones you’re reinforcing, maybe inadvertently, with this). It especially doesn’t work for those who already resent being tied to anti-vaxxers. Oh well. Personal preference. I piss people off all the time.

    • I’m so sorry to offend. What I’m saying in this post is that I’m against all educating of children, not homeschooling or home educating. I’m saying I’m against ANY type of education for children. Obviously that would be an absurd notion, which to me is just as absurd as not vaccinating.
      This post has nothing to do with homeschooling children. Homeschooling is a completely legitimate choice for many.

  5. I love the word “refudiate.” Nice touch!

  6. Connie

    Finally! An Online source I can reference to my child educator, who keeps citing some Journal like its a Bible when trying to prove my choice to not educate dangerous. C’mon, we all keep journals, and most are filled with exaggerated versions of reality. But a blog written by a Hollywood insider? Your truths must be universal. It’s “heard” mentality.

  7. BRILLIANT POST!!! I had a lovely giggle over it. As always, adore your writing!!!

    ❤️Jules

  8. I’m new and don’t know you so you had me on the hook for a while. Humor, a delightful exageration of bits of truth. I’m a retired teacher, and I must admit that there is some truth in your delightful piece. I had tied it into the vaccination controversy before you got there; perhaps, that was where you were heading. Was it? I plan to continue to let you ejukate me.

  9. As a teacher and a parent, I am saddened by your comments. I think you are imagining things that do not happen and do not exist. This is an exciting time for education – and you know the best way to change a system is from within it. Why don’t you learn and become active in your education system?

    • Hi – this is a satire piece using the 5 arguments that anti vaccine parents use to defend their “personal choice” to not vaccinate. I tried to think of the most absurd thing a parent could choose to do – not educating their child – to show how ridiculous the anti-vaccine arguments are. I am happily pro-education and an involved parent volunteer at the schools. Proud to say I now have a kid in college!

  10. Bahahaha, Kristen! Love this piece. I was hooked from the beginning, but I have to admit some of your responses had me laughing just as hard. People…they’re funny.

  11. LOL Kristen! “PSEUDO SCIENCE”

  12. ike

    sadly the level of mistrust of science, and misguided belief that all ideas are equal makes this article less satirical and more a news piece on certain fair and balanced “news” networks

  13. Pingback: Stuff I Didn’t Write #1 | Dirty Rotten Parenting

  14. Happyspike

    My kids will be right over. They want new parents that aren’t afraid to stand against the masses for their God-given right to be uneducated. You are role models!

  15. Happyspike

    Oh, update here. They heard you don’t let your kids eat Lucky Charms. They prefer their current parents that stand up for their right to eat magically delicious cereal.

  16. H. B. Grove

    This was the first post I read here and I really had a hard time figuring out if this was satire or serious, that’s how often I hear about bad ideas of this magnitude! Well done, you definitely caught my attention with this 😀

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