I’ll Do Anything To Get Scholarship Money!

Here’s my complete entry from round two of Blogger Idol.  It’s a fictional newspaper piece about a crime I committed.  Remember, it’s fiction people.  No need to alert the authorities.

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Neighbors on Cherry Tree Lane were surprised early Sunday morning by the sight of Federal agents surrounding the home of local resident, Kristen Hansen.  Ms. Hansen is suspected of hacking into the National College Board website and changing daughter Madison’s SAT score to a perfect 2400.

Arresting officer, Agent Jim Blackwell, said that Hansen was motivated by an uncontrollable desire to get Scholarship Aid money for her daughter.  Apparently, Hansen and her husband had only managed to put a paltry $362 dollars into Madison’s 529-college savings account.

A close friend of Hansen’s, who spoke under the condition of anonymity, said that this was a desperate act committed by a desperate woman.  The source reports that Hansen had become increasingly agitated in the last six months as her daughter’s senior year approached and Hansen realized she had no money to pay for college.  The source said that Hansen had always maintained a “Polyanna” approach to life and assumed that somehow “everything would just work out.”

But, when daughter Madison started bringing home good grades and big dreams of attending a prestigious four-year university, Ms. Hansen started to worry.  She even resorted to echoing the wise advice of her husband by suggesting that her daughter attend an economical junior college for the first two years.  Young Madison, however, could not be dissuaded.

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Hansen reportedly then resorted to unusual tactics to raise tuition money including putting a tip jar in the car during morning drop-off, operating a weekend lemonade stand, and even offering to sell her eggs to a local fertility clinic – an offer that was refused because Hansen’s eggs were deemed too old and too sarcastic.

When agents asked Hansen why she failed to save for her children’s education, she was unable to provide a coherent answer.  Instead she just pointed at the backyard and mumbled, “Decking cracked, broken pipes, fence not to code, checks – so many checks .”

Neighbors report that they’ve long been suspicious of Hansen and weren’t at all surprised by her failure to prepare for her children’s future.  Neighbor Irma Richman noted that the Hansen house was the only one on the block without an “I support the Education Foundation” yard sign, indicating that she obviously didn’t care enough about her children’s education.

Richman said she even recommended an SAT prep course, but Hansen cited the $599.00 cost and opted for a $5.99 SAT cell phone app instead.  Richman noted that money did not seem to be a factor when the Hansens hosted their annual holiday wine-tasting party, a party that Richman was never invited to.

As agents took Hansen away in handcuffs, daughter Madison was just arriving home, presumably from a Saturday night sleepover at a “friend’s” house.  Madison claimed to be unaware of her mother’s criminal behavior and was shocked by the hacking allegations.  She inadvertently cast doubt on her mother’s guilt when she proclaimed, “My mom can’t even send a text!”  The younger Hansen then posted a picture of her mother’s arrest on Instagram.

On Monday afternoon, to the surprise of many, the federal prosecutor dropped all charges against Hansen.  When asked why, the prosecutor replied,  “We just learned that Ms. Hansen’s daughter has decided to major in Theater.  We believe that is punishment enough.”

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Posted in blogs, college, education, Uncategorized

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