A Trumped Up Government

Ahh Donald backed out. But it would have been so much fun – here’s what will be missing:

President Trump, with Vice President Snooki at his side, could assemble an entire team of reality stars to run the government. To help tackle our huge deficit, Trump could institute a pay-by-text voting system where America gets to vote out his poorly performing cabinet secretaries. And with their jobs and departments gone, even more taxpayer money would be saved.

The whole thing could be broadcast on C-SPAN. Not the current boring C-SPAN of course, but a trumped up C-SPAN, if you will.

Trump’s new press secretary, The View’s Sherri Shepherd, could be given the duty of announcing the new cabinet members beginning with the new Secretary of State, Sarah Palin, chosen for her expertise in foreign policy, of course.

Justin Willman, host of Cupcake Wars could lead up the Defense Department. After all, if he can moderate those often-vicious cupcake wars, surely he could handle anything the Middle East throws at him.

The Department of Homeland Security could naturally be led by The Situation. Ain’t nobody gonna mess with that six-pack. And we know he’d crack down on those Hawaiian aliens trying to pass themselves off as actual Americans.

Secretary Ted Allen, host of The Food Network’s Chopped could obviously take over the Agriculture Department and Antonio Ballatore, host of HGTV’s The Antonio Treatment, could be the new Secretary of the Interior. Since nobody really knows what that department does anyway, at least we would know that Antonio would make it look fabulous.

Trump supporter and Celebrity Apprentice star Gary Busey could be rewarded with a Secretary of Justice position, because he does have that first hand knowledge of the inner workings of the judicial system and Kim Kardashian, with her shopping and spending expertise, would be well prepared for her new job as the Secretary of Commerce.

The new Secretary of Labor could be Shorty Rossi from Animal Planet’s Pit Boss, because he just sounds intimidating and we need someone like that to take on those unions that are trying to destroy our country. The adorable and cuddly Dr. Oz could easily be the Secretary of Health and Human Services, because, well, moms love him and would listen to his advice.

Secretary of Veteran Affairs could go to Discovery Channel’s Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe and Holmes on Homes star, Mike Holmes could start tackling urban blight, one house at a time as the new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

The industrious ladies featured in TLC’s Extreme Couponing would be well prepared to take over the Treasury post and RuPaul, star of RuPaul’s Drag Race could be the new Secretary of Transportation, cause that show is about cars and racing, right?

The new Secretary of Energy could be Anne Hathaway, not technically a reality star, but we all saw how much energy she had as host of the Oscars. Clearly she could channel some of that to fuel a few states.

And though Tony Danza with his experience on A&E’s Teach: Tony Danza might lobby hard to be the Secretary of Education, the job should really go to TLC’s What Not To Wear co-hosts, Stacy London and Clinton Kelly because the last thing we need is more overly educated intellectuals telling us what to think. Stacy and Clinton could tackle the real work of making-over poorly dressed America.

After each week on the job, Americans could vote for their favorite cabinet secretary. Once the votes were tabulated, an elaborate Rose Ceremony could announce which secretaries get to stay and who will be fired. The fired secretary would immediately have to relinquish his or her security clearance and be escorted out of Washington DC by Trump’s personal secret service team.

It’s likely that the public’s interest in President Trump’s cabinet firings would start to wane after a bit so CSPAN would probably need a plan in the works for a summer replacement series. A surefire hit: a reality how featuring a re-tooled Supreme Court, made up of past and present American Idol judges.

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