Featured on WordPress Mother’s Day Blog & a post

I’m honored to be featured in a special WordPress Mother’s Day Feature on MomBlogs!  Thanks WordPress and welcome new WordPress visitors!

As Cheri wrote in her lovely post, I write about life with my three daughters, my aging and heightist mom, or about things that irk or baffle me.  Really, I write about whatever I want to write about, damn it.

In honor of Mother’s Day, here’s a piece I’ve written about my mother.

“LUNCH WITH TWO WOMEN NAMED JOAN”

also known as, MY 85 YEAR-OLD MOM AND HER FRIEND HAVE LUNCH, CATFIGHT ALMOST ENSUES

Two Women Named JoanWhen she was ten, my mother met a girl who shared her first name. They quickly became best friends and stayed so for the next 75 years. Together they shared schoolyard memories, weddings, and years of family get-togethers.

But in the year and a half since my father passed away, my mom had not been able to see her best friend, Joan, because they live an hour apart and neither could drive on the freeways. (Though unfortunate for them, likely countless lives have been saved by their motoring absence.)

My brothers and sisters and I felt badly about the situation especially because this was when my mom needed her friend the most, in the lonely time that followed the loss of her husband of sixty years. So first my brother and I decided to reunite the two Joans through email.

But as much as we tried to simplify the process, our Joan could not, or rather would not, embrace the use of a computer. At each tutorial she would play along and pretend to listen to us, while refusing to let anything sink in. Though my mom would nod or respond occasionally with an “Uh-huh,” I knew she was secretly worrying if we’d finish the tedious exercise before the start of Dr. Oz. Frankly, we could have gotten more genuine cooperation from my cat. Continue reading

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Filed under Family, humor, mother daughter, mothering, Uncategorized, women, Writing

Holy Tarantula! – featured on Humor Outcasts.com

I’ve recently been added as a writer on Humor Outcasts.com and here is my most recent post.

Check it out and check out the other writers  – some very funny stuff!

My Tarantula Terror

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Driving back to my house in the foothills above Los Angeles the other night, I marveled at how fortunate I was to live so close to nature.  The day had started with a doe and her two fawns greeting me as I fetched the morning paper.   I knew they were the culprits who had been eating my roses, but I didn’t mind.  Surely they appreciated them more than I.

As I rounded the corner onto my street that evening, a skunk dashed in front of my car.  I slammed on the brakes, but laughed it off.  “That was a close one, buddy!” Then, as I pulled into my driveway, a frog jumped across my path.  Wow!  It’s like an Animal Planet show here!

But my warm fuzzy feeling quickly vanished when I approached my front door and came face to face with a giant, hairy, tarantula.  Continue reading

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Filed under animals, Home, humor, life, Uncategorized

My Column in Working Mother Magazine

Here’s a humor piece I wrote that was in the Feb/March issue of Working Mother Magazine.  I wrote it last year when I was trying to talk to my daughter while editing the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction ceremony. Now, I’m in the edit bay on another Rock and Roll Hall of Fame show! Oh, and my daughter thinks she should get half of the money I earned for selling the article.

wkgmotherbrakeman.pdf

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Filed under comedy, Family, humor, kids, parenting

Don’t Call Me Ma’am

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(Post Featured on Freshly Pressed!)

There is a single word in the English language that has the power to ruin my whole day.  That word is Ma’am.

I could be having a perfectly fine day – a great day even – the kind of day where my car starts on the first try, my kids get off to school without a ton of screaming and, when I check myself in the mirror I actually think, “Hey, I don’t look half bad.”

Then I stop by the local coffee place and the hipster barista dude, the one who wears the gross earring gauges, hands me my non-fat latte and says, “Here you go, Ma’am.”

Ah, come on.  Really?  Did you have to?

Of course I politely say “Thank you,” back to the little whippersnapper, but in my head I’ve added a very irritated, “Don’t call me Ma’am, d#$%khead.” Continue reading

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Filed under aging, beauty, comedy, culture, Uncategorized, women

Why I Got My Dog Cosmetic Surgery

I’ve often IMG_5606made light of people who get too much cosmetic surgery, so the idea of putting my own dog under the knife seemed completely out of the question.  But two years into owning Buddy, our German Shepherd/hound rescue dog, I noticed that his appearance had changed somehow.  He wasn’t the cute, curious looking dog he once was.  No, age had not been his friend. Continue reading

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Filed under aging, animals, beauty, dogs, humor, plastic surgery

Take Me Out Of The Softball Game

Photo03261100I’ve never liked the phrase, “There are two kinds of people in the world,” but when it comes to sports, I suspect it’s true.  There are jocks and non-jocks, and I’m definitely one of the latter.

So when a couple of women on my husband’s rec league softball team canceled at the last minute and he asked me to fill in, I was not enthused.  As a kid I was always the “last pick,” and the idea of getting out on that field filled me with painful memories.  To make things even worse – I had no softball costume to wear.

My husband said some nonsense about having the right men to women ratio and having to forfeit, and blah, blah, blah, cry me a river.  Continue reading

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Filed under aging, comedy, culture, humor, life, softball, sports, Uncategorized

Out, Damned Spot

I’ve never understood how otherwise sensible people let themselves get carried away with cosmetic procedures.  Can’t they see there’s a point where they start to look worse instead of better?

I suppose they begin by wanting a minor fix and then, pleased with the results, opt for another . . . and another . . . and another, until they run out of money or end up on one of those plastic surgery victim websites.

It’s the addictive nature of it that’s kept me away from plastic surgeons and dermatologists alike.

Until now. Continue reading

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Filed under aging, comedy, cosmetic surgery, health, illness, life, medical, plastic surgery, Uncategorized, women

The Big Comfy Chair

Really, It’s Just a Chair

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After the moving van pulled away, we took stock of our old shabby chic style living room furniture that sat in our new sixties-era modern home and decided, “This stuff has gotta go.”  It looked completely out of place.   We immediately added “new furniture” to our growing list of things we needed to fix or change in our new home.

Three weeks and thirteen years later, that new furniture finally arrived.

After positioning our new couch and chairs, the deliverymen and I moved the old antique couch and its two chair friends out to the covered patio, ready for a closely timed pickup from the local thrift store.

Unfortunately, the thrift store workers deemed one of those chairs, the overstuffed pink one, too worn and unsightly to sell.  So they had to reject our donation.  Wow, I didn’t think it looked that bad.

When my daughter arrived home from school later that day, she quickly passed by the new furniture, and honed in on the lone, banished chair.  “Why is our chair outside?  You’re not planning to get rid of the comfy chair, are you?  You can’t get rid of the Continue reading

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Filed under Family, Home, life, Uncategorized

Justin Timberlake – Next Oscar® Host?

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There’s a way to bring in youthful viewers without turning off your core audience.

I look forward to and love watching the Oscars every year, and because I’m a woman and over forty I’m part of what’s called their core audience.   I found many things to like about Sunday night’s show including the musical numbers, Adele, and Barbra Streisand, but I wasn’t keen on Seth MacFarlane’s hosting performance.

The producer’s stated goal was to increase ratings amongst younger viewers and they succeeded  – the show’s ratings were up by 2% overall and by 11% among ages 18 -49.  Because of those numbers the producers have said that they’re ignoring the critics (and charges of anti-Semitism and insensitivity towards women) and would gladly ask Mr. MacFarlane to return.

Luckily for people like me, Seth MacFarlane has already answered, “No way!” Continue reading

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Filed under Academy Awards, controversy, culture, entertainment

Teachers – Give Us Parents A Break!

I know it’s a huge cultural taboo to criticize teachers, but they are not always perfect and I can’t keep quiet about this any longer.

My beef is with the relentless assignment of outside projects.  I am fine with kids doing regular homework, but don’t teachers realize how much time and money these extra projects cost us parents? Continue reading

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Filed under comedy, education, Family, humor, kids, mothering, parenting, Uncategorized