A Stranger’s Hands . . . Touching Me?

My friends and I were pretty stressed out from overseeing the whole college application thing and needed a boozy night to decompress.

So one of my good friends offered to host a small cocktail party where we could share information, compare notes, and let’s be honest, complain about our kids.  After inserting a drink into my hand , our lovely host told me that she had hired a masseuse friend of hers to provide free mini-massages to help relieve our stress.

“Oh that’s, fantastic!” I said, lying through my teeth.

In truth, just the idea of getting a massage made me even more stressed out and instantly uptight. I’m not sure why, but I’ve never enjoyed getting massages from strangers.  I guess I just can’t relax, and any pleasure I feel is offset by my overwhelming angst.

As I mingled in the kitchen, I learned I was not alone.  Many of the other moms shared my massage anxiety.  Yet, one by one, the ladies added their name to the sign up sheet, because apparently a little personal discomfort was nothing compared to being a bad guest.

Still, I resisted.  But after hearing about the expensive college visits my friends were taking their kids on, and about the early acceptance letters their kids had already received, I realized that this de-stress party was stressing me out and I needed a break.  So I signed up for a massage.

Jill, the lovely masseuse, welcomed me to the table and offered to do a deep head massage or a pressure point Chakra thing.  I figured her hands were tired from giving so many deep massages to so many stressed out women, so I opted for the pressure point thing.  Besides, I had been feeling like my Chakra was a little out of whack lately.  (What is a Chakra anyway?)

The masseuse had me lie down and told me to relax.   Oh, if only it were that easy Jill.

I gave it my best shot.  I breathed in the incense and focused on the grating strums of the sitar music, and tried hard to ignore a particularly loud guest’s alarming story about a kid who lost scholarship money because he “phoned-in” second semester and got all “B’s!”  (Even though I couldn’t see this woman I was fairly confident she used air quotes to make her point.)

As the masseuse dug her thumbs into my body she explained the various pressure points and the areas of my mind they controlled.   Amazingly, after she touched my scalp to heal my inner beauty, and my forehead to center my third eye, I began to do the unimaginable – I started to unwind.

But then as her hands moved farther south, my anxiety level grew.  The point near my heart chakra was supposed to bring me inner peace, but because her hands were so close to my bra, it brought me an inner freak out instead.

My heart started beating a mile a minute.  Then I became obsessed with worry that she would notice that my heart was beating a mile a minute so my heart beat faster still.  I worried that she might get the wrong idea and assume that my heart was beating fast because I was secretly a lesbian and enjoying her touch in a different way than intended.

Her hands moved even lower, below my navel to focus my harmony and sexual desire.  About that time I started enjoying having my Chakras re-aligned.  So much so, that I thought, “Huh.  What do ya’ know!  Maybe I am a lesbian?”

I’ve always appreciated beautiful women.  Maybe I just never gave it a chance?

But at this point in my life, wouldn’t it be more trouble that it was worth?  First I’d have to break the news to my husband and he’d probably be a little put off.   Likely my family and friends would overreact as they tend to do, and even worse, I’d have to create a new, come-hither look before searching for a suitable lesbian match.

About the time I was mulling this over, I happened to open my eyes, Jill was inches away from me, en route to another pressure point.

Okay, no.  Turns out, I’m not a lesbian.

But what I was – was sleepy.  If only I could pull up some covers . . . but no, the loud guest was at it again, with another horror story to tell.

“I heard that her daughter had a 4.9 and perfect SAT’s but forgot to confirm that her letters of rec. ever got there.  So she didn’t get admitted!  Can you imagine anyone being so careless?”

Oh crap.  Yes!  I could easily imagine such a thing!

My Chakra immediately tightened – at least I think it was my Chakra.  I shot upright on the table, thanked Jill, and prayed she didn’t see the embarrassing drool I wiped from my chin.

After rushing back home, and hearing my daughter say, “Of course I confirmed that they got them.  Do you think I’m an idiot?”  I was finally, really, able to relax.

Only then did I want to hear, “How about a massage?”  Yet, no one asked.


Filed under culture, gender, health, humor, new age, parenting, Uncategorized, women

11 responses to “A Stranger’s Hands . . . Touching Me?

  1. My children gave a day at the spa one mother’s day. I have the same apprehensions. Turns out it was quite the treat.
    You sound like a song a wrote called “Getting Nowhere Fast” in the album Osaka Time. It was one song my children all identified with.

  2. I’m going to have to repeat this because my typing was all out of kilter.
    My children gave me a day at the spa one mother’s day. I had the same apprehensions as you did. Turns out it was quite the treat.
    You sound like you would appreciate a song I wrote called “Getting Nowhere Fast” in the album Osaka Time. It is one song my children all identify with.

  3. Although I infrequently get massages, I love having someone touch me without expecting anything (except payment and a tip) in return!

  4. What a terrific idea for a girls get-together…

  5. First I want to say GOOD for you..doing the massage..Maui is the land of massage…and I never really got the whole idea until I moved here 10 years ago.. Yet as I read…I was more interested in the college stuff going on in your home.. dealing with three children..(two of which are step-children) just completing their college experiences.. TO START OFF…This was a HUGE UNDERTAKING…especially with my last one, as finances were gone by the time she entered college..and people may think ( being raised by these children.)…(I had no chance of raising them) HA!.. was easy..especially my last one ..as she came out screaming for at least a private assistant!!!I

    Yet I think I can help..or not..Ha. NONE of them had debt coming out of college..so call it luck ..(or shoot me as I am living in a fantasy that it is really done)..I am grateful… ..Marika went 9 years UC San Diego and Stanford. double math and econ ( now a professor UT in Austin..Julia 4years (Molecular Biology) UC Berkeley worked 3 years GE international ..now Auto Desk San Francisco.. and lastly my daughter Aly 4 years private school Seabury here in Maui..and then 4 years UC Merced..(Mechanical and Mechatronics Engineering)and I have got to tell you..when Aly called me and said “they are moving forward”…which at that moment.. I thought Graduation? She meant that she was followed by several corporations..and IBM research and development was moving forward in Austin to HIRE HER….as I took a DEEP breath..I said “I think I won the lottery”..all of them had spent massive amounts of time energy and money from all sources…yet I have this sense now that it was.. and still is.. all worth it…Maybe if I just kealed over today..they would all say..she did enough…HA…Opps on the length….of words here

    If I can help in any way Facebook me Robyn Cabral (Kihei Hawaii) or contact here……just wanted to reach out with this lengthy comment to anyone ho might want to know some of the ins and outs of the college thing..living here in Maui …I write only about my spiritual development..yet without the grounding of all the everyday life stuff it stays ” out there” ..so would like to help here as well… Heart to heart Robyn

  6. Sian Mann

    Hahah brilliant post! Nothing worse than being a bad guest, good on you for sticking it out

  7. jay143

    Your host went out of her way to give a treat to anyone who would have it. She must have paid a lot for it and thought of making her guests/friends have a night of relaxation, which all mothers need. All you needed to say was, “No, thank you.” But instead you stabbed her at the back by writing all about it on your blog. And you consider yourself a friend? Shame on you. You harbor gossip and you try to glorify yourself. That is just another way of being a mean person..you are not in middle school or high school. Is that what your teach your children, talk/write about another behind their backs? How would you feel if someone does this to you and your children? She did a good deed and you were not forced to do it.

  8. Welcome in my world kristen


  9. Amanda E.

    I am a licensed massage therapist (and parent of teens, which is how I found your blog….looking for commisseration, lol!), working at a PT clinic for 6 years and then opening up my own practice a couple of years ago. Here is what you need to know about massage THERAPY (bc it really IS therapuetic):
    I (and any other massage therapist who is professional) do not care what your sexual orientation is (I never think about it, honestly). I want my clients to relax on my table, because it is easier for me to do my job and more enjoyable to receive while relaxed, but do you know THAT is probably the aspect that most people have trouble with? Trusting a stranger to come into your personal space and touch you is REALLY HARD. We understand that. The more often you get massages, the easier it is. Practice, just like anything else. Also, it’s very helpful to NOT be able to listen to other conversations…..I run a white noise machine AND play music during sessions to avoid just that.
    We don’t care what your body looks like.
    Everyone has cellulite.
    I promise you I am not thinking about your appearance.
    We are not checking out anything else except the condition of your soft tissue. Part of the training massage therapists receive is how to ‘drape’ with sheet/clothing in order to maintain modesty and temperature control. If you ever feel like the massage therapist is being innappropriate, then you need to stop immediately. Just leave. And report it to your state licensing board.
    I LOVE being a massage therapist, love my work, cherish my clients (well, MOST of them) and want EVERYONE to feel comfortable receiving massage. It is SO beneficial. Kudos to you for trying it! Try it again; I bet it will be even better!

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