10 Parenting Tips You Won’t Hear From Experts


imgres-3I’m not a psychologist, pediatrician, or child development expert, but I do have three kids, one of whom is almost an adult. Over the years I’ve read a ton of parenting books, often desperate for insight or answers. But what I found is that most parenting advice is just trite hooey.  I mean, if we could all magically just nod off and “sleep when our baby sleeps” or “find ways to make time for ourselves,” then we wouldn’t be seeking advice in the first place.

I’ve made my own discoveries along the way.  Here are a few practical pieces of advice, things experts won’t tell you.

1) You don’t need to videotape every second.

Sometimes it’s nice to simply enjoy a school performance, soccer game, or birthday party without the burden of videotaping.  Besides, it’s better to videotape every day moments like your kids playing dress-up, building a fort, or having a conversation with their grandparents. They’ll mean a lot more to you in twenty years than some barely watchable clip of your kid standing behind 100 other kids singing, “Wacky Weather.”  Oh, and don’t bother getting cutaways and insert shots thinking you’re going to edit the video later. Trust me, it ain’t gonna happen.

2) Don’t volunteer during hectic months.

Arrive early at back-to-school night so you can have your choice of party signups. Pick the lesser holiday parties, like Valentines Day, Columbus Day, or even Arbor Day.  Don’t be stupid and sign up for the “Winter Holiday” party, because when December 18th rolls around and you haven’t started your “Winter Holiday” shopping, and your older daughter has a “Winter Holiday” choral performance that night, and your son needs help studying for his semester finals, the last thing you need is to suddenly remember that you signed up to bake twenty-five cupcakes for the fourth grade “Winter Holiday” Party.

3) Beware the power of the precedent.

Any rule, expense, or gift that you bestow upon your eldest, will have to be duplicated for your younger children.  Thinking about footing the bill for Justin’s expensive fifth grade class trip to Valley Forge? Just remember that when Justin’s younger brother is in fifth grade, he’ll want the same.  Luckily, sometimes this can work in your favor like, “Your sister got her pierced ears/cell phone/private jet in the 7th grade and that’s the family rule.”

4) They will survive a few hours without you.

It’s okay to miss an occasional softball game or the school barbecue.  Parents who work have to miss things all the time and their kids turn out fine.  In fact it’s good for kids to realize they can function without you, and you’ll probably both learn a lot from the time they spend with their friend’s families.  “Mom, Mrs. O’Brien yells at other drivers from her car just like you do, and also she called Obama a Commie!”  Really, is that so?

5) Don’t waste money on expensive outings they’ll never remember.

Like that Sesame Street live performance my eldest daughter has no recollection of attending, the one I dragged her to even though she had a raging ear infection because I had already paid for the tickets, damn it.  Kids rarely remember anything from their early years so why waste the money?  I’m not saying that you should never go somewhere special like Disneyland, but maybe just go once in the early years and bring a few costume changes. You can do amazing things with Photoshop.

6) Make friends with your kid’s friends’ parents.

This saves the cost of a sitter, and you can socialize while the kids entertain one another.  What’s also great is that when the kids are teens you’ll have a valuable ally:  “Did Maddy really sleep at your house last night, and were you really home?”

6A) But don’t make them your only friends.

It can be awkward when childhood friends mature at different rates and grow apart, yet the parents are still best friends.  Sure you can have your family gatherings, but it’s hard to enjoy them when the former BFF’s are now busily ignoring each other – one playing Polly Pockets while the other texting her friends about a rave party later that night.

7) Don’t make promises.

It’s much safer to wait until you’re 100% sure you can deliver before you announce you’re going to do something fun.  Kids don’t handle disappointment very well so even if you have a great reason to cancel, ‘I know I said we’d go to the beach this weekend, but there’s a hurricane,” all your child hears is “blah blah blah, we’re not going to the beach, blah blah blah.”

8) But don’t make every wish come true either. 

Kids need to experience some amount of disappointment.  Let’s face it, you’d rather chew on thumbtacks than play Candyland again, so it’s okay to say no.  Try this: “Mommy is going to relax for a bit while you play on your own.”  I know it’s hard, but if you always put their needs first, then you’re setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment because the rest of the world will not cater to their every whim.  It’s good for kids to learn early that there is give and take in any relationship.  One day, they will be a better friend, boyfriend, or spouse because of it.

Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 9.23.54 AM9) Make a list of the adorable things they say.

Keep a notebook or start a file on the computer.  Really, do it now!  Otherwise, here’s what happens: “What was that cute thing Sophie said about hookers?  You know, when she was dressing the Barbie and she couldn’t get the hook and eye to work on the dress?”  See, you can’t remember.  The way Sophie worded it was flippin’ hysterical, but you didn’t write it down.  Don’t you wish you had?  Seriously, go start that file.

10) Judge not, lest thee be judged.

Okay, so I stole that from the Bible.  Really, it’s easy to cast a discerning eye at other parents.  “Well, maybe if they’d disciplined Camille a little more, she wouldn’t have gotten caught making out with boys in the 6th grade!”  But keep in mind, your day might come.  Precious Dylan might do something so mortifying you’ll wish you had been a little less judgmental, and hope that other parents have the compassion to say, “I’m sure it’s been rough watching Dylan get busted for selling Molly’s, but you have to applaud his entrepreneurial spirit!  A businessman in the making, that one is.”

Check out this and another piece I’ve had on going Gluten Free over on the popular blog, Scary Mommy!


Filed under Children, comedy, humor, kids, parenting, Uncategorized

15 responses to “10 Parenting Tips You Won’t Hear From Experts

  1. Thank you, especially, for Nos. 1 and 2! Especially #1. Was so good with first son and second one has gotten totally shortchanged . . .

  2. I love this! My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but this all sounds like great advice for when we do!

  3. I really like every tip you have discussed! I checked out “Scarry Mommy” and you don’t seem to fit with some of the content on that blog. Your writing is quite honest and refreshing, without lowering the level of discourse. I will you all the best!

  4. Life and Other Turbulence

    LOVE THIS! Great advice and so well stated! My oldest is wired so differently than I am and his approach has often been polar opposite of my way of thinking. The best piece of advice came from our pediatrician (very early on, when our oldest was still a toddler) who advised me to always give choices that had nothing but options I was okay with no matter which one he picked. Example: “You can finish your dinner and then go play, OR you can go play but your dinner goes away. You won’t be eating again until breakfast in the morning. You pick.” It’s worked really well.

  5. Great advice! I especially agree with the power of the precedent rule. The younger ones will always remember who got what and when!

  6. You are hilarious, Kristen and I always look forward to your posts! I chuckled at how you dated yourself (and all the rest of us who had kids before Y2K) when you used the word, “videotape.” 😄

    • thanks! But what am I supposed to say instead of videotape – Digi-grab? Is there a new term – help I need to know!

      • Lol! Even your responses make me smile! I have started using the word, “record” (with definite emphasis on the second syllable so that I don’t date myself even further!) And, I think the word, “video” is actually morphing into a verb, as in; “Can you video this for me?” But I haven’t actually used it that way (yet).

      • ahh okay – I’ll just try video now!
        What’s funny is I actually work on TV shows where everything is recorded digitally now – yet on our schedules we still use the term VTR (video tape record) No one has thought to change it!

  7. Hi from a total stranger on a post almost a year old!🙂

    I follow “Dirty Rotten Parenting” and she wasn’t feeling up to posting anything so just posted a couple of links to “stuff she didn’t write” – one of which was your “Why I Won’t Educate My Kids” piece… which first freaked me out and I was waffling between sneaking quietly away from this nutjob and boldly telling you you were an idiot. However, I’m relatively good at paying heed to my inner voice saying “no one can really feel this way” so I picked up you were employing satire… before you got to the herd effect. I think.

    Anyway, then I followed the link to this post and I’m impressed with your list. Many I’ve figured out on my own but others are good to ponder some more. My kids are 14, 11, and 6. The best piece of advise I got when I was pregnant with the first was to write the funny stuff down (your #9). Which I did. Until I got on Facebook – then it went there, where it eventually got lost on my timeline if I failed to track it down and save it off. Now it goes on my blog… which the children alternately love or hate, depending on the tale.

    I’m looking forward to reading more of what you have to say. Thank you!

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