Why Moms Hate Summer Vacation

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7A – Wake and have breakfast with bleary-eyed Kid #1 who has not seen this hour, or any time close to it, since school ended two weeks earlier.

8A – Drop Kid #1 at Girl Scout sponsored nature park clean up.  Speed off in car leaving behind giant cloud of dust and pretend that I don’t hear other mom’s last minute request for “extra hands.”

8:30A – Return home and get breakfast for Kid #2 and Kid #3, dog and cat.

9:20A – Drop DVD rentals at video store including dreadful one kids insisted upon starring a fangless, yet still sullen, Robert Pattinson.  Regret wasting $5.00 yet delight in “I told you so” afterglow.

9:30A – Pack Kid #2 and Kid #3 in car again and pick up remarkably unsoiled Kid #1. Return home and make mid-morning snack for Kids #1, #2 and #3.

10:30A – Go to grocery store for more supplies.

12:00N – Make lunch for Kids #1, #2 and #3.

1:00P – Take Kid #1 to fashion design sketching class.  Fantasize about her upcoming career as famous fashion designer, including guest judge appearance on Project Runway.  Acknowledge that Kid #1 will likely live at home for a very long time.

1:30P – Take Kid #3 to swim-date at friend’s house.  During drive get instructed by Kid #3 that I shouldn’t get out of the car when we get there, for fear I will engage in a long conversation with her friend’s mom, thus ruining the whole experience.

2:00P – Return home and learn that Kid #2 hijacked my cell phone to text an invitation to friend for swim-date at our house.

2:30P – Welcome Kid #2A and immediately prepare snacks for Kid #2 and Kid #2A.

3:00P – Abandon plans to do laundry or anything really because must now supervise swim-date.

4:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from sketch class.  Make futile attempts to glean information about content of said class.

5:30P – Feed dinner to Kid #2 and Kid #2A.  Pour self a heart-healthy glass of Cabernet Sauvignon.  Realize may not drink heart-healthy Cabernet Sauvignon as still need to take Kid #2 and #2A to #2A’s recently separated father’s new apartment to “check it out” and watch a movie.

6:00P – Take Kid #1 to coed birthday party for now 14-year-old friend.  (Read laughably tiny font at bottom of invitation indicating that there will be parental supervision.)

6:15P – Take Kid #2 and #2A to the dad’s pad.  Take note of ne’r-do-well teens hanging out on balconies of neighboring apartments.  Silently wish that 11-year-old Kid #2 and her friend, Kid 2A did not already look like leggy teens.

6:30P – Drop Kid #3’s overnight bag at her friend’s house in order to accommodate impromptu sleepover invitation.  Sadly decline offer of libation, due to aforementioned driving duties.

7:00P – Return to find husband home from work.  Detect goofy grin on husband’s face.  Listen as husband points out that the kids are all gone, heh, heh, and you know what that could mean.  Offer up, “Umm, we have control of the remote?”

8:00P – Phone rings.  Kid #3 wants to cancel sleepover date.  Pick up Kid #3 and reassure her on drive home that her friend’s house does not have ghosts.  The white blur in the hallway likely just the pasty daddy legs of her friend’s father

9:30P – Pick up Kid #2 from the bachelor pad apartment.  Inquire as to the rating of already watched movie.  Convince self that she meant to say she saw The Squeakquel and not The Saw sequel.

10:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from the birthday party.  Conduct inconspicuous sniffing in entryway to smell for booze and cigarettes.  Thankfully detect none.  Note that birthday girl’s parents look a good ten years older than at party’s start, four hours earlier.

10:30P – Return home and cajole kids into their beds.  Finally reach for glass of Cabernet, but decide it is too late to drink alcohol unless desire that awful morning headache.  Opt for butterscotch brownie and calcium-rich milk instead.

11:00P – Go online and research sleep-away camp availability for remainder of summer.  Send email inquiring if there is room for just one more.  Also ask if they take adults.

 

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14 Comments

Filed under Children, comedy, humor, kids, mothering, parenting, Uncategorized

14 responses to “Why Moms Hate Summer Vacation

  1. For all the reasons mentioned in your post, this is why I kidnap my #1,#2, & #3 and hide them on a farm for weeks in the Midwest where there is ZERO opportunities for any kind of interaction with #1A, #2A, (whose mother once dropped #2 at an alanon meeting masked as a birthday ) & #3A.
    Summer play dates are with inanimate objects that grow in the wild!
    Run Kristen run and join me! We’ll set them free in our field with a tent & water jug, while we lock the doors sipping Cabs, & whiskey while channeling Joan Crawford!
    *insert sinister laughter here

  2. I don’t have children and I can say that it is absolutely exhausting to be a parent! Only reading it made me tired and out of breath! I must congratulate you for hanging on there day & night. You’re a Super Mom Kristen with special unlimited power supply and on top of it one of the funniest writers I know!!! Great post!

    • Thanks Eva! (did you like that I didn’t call you mark?) :)

      • Thoroughly and I just think is so awesome that you remember the incident! You made my night Kristen Hansen Brakeman! I just got a hole in my stomach from laughing so hard thinking about “mark”! By the way I still get that sometimes but I gave up correcting, it’s just pure fun and who cares about names as long as we laugh! :)

  3. This is so great – I can totally relate to your summertime schedule! I’m already enjoying the no-school meal routine around here and look forward to lots of driving!

  4. LIngOL, I wish there were a “love” button, but I suppose that might ambiguously categorize me as a massage therapist :-). (http://kristenbrakeman.com/2014/04/14/a-strangers-hands-touching-me/).

  5. WordPress should “freshly press” this. It was BRILLIANT!

  6. Bear

    I was a stay at home dad for years but my kids are grown now. :-)

  7. Just reading this makes me wonder if I still have that kind of energy I did ten years ago. Great post ~

  8. ” … yet delight in “I told you so” afterglow.” That’s twenty smug points right there.

  9. I just want to add that your kids are wonderful. I hope the youngers follow the oldest’s lead in getting involved with Scouts, where they may get involved in their community and make friends outside of school. I love how comfortable your girls are in telling you how they feel–a great tribute to you, even though you’re “not allowed” to engage in a lengthy conversation with Friend’s Mom, and have to go pick up your non-ghost buster in the dead of night. It’s a great comfort to have one’s comfort zone respected, and who knows? The reason she felt uncomfortable may not have had anything to do with a ghost. It’s also wonderful that you gave your daughter the freedom to support her friend who was going to visit her separated dad’s apartment. It must have been a very emotional time for Friend and Dad both, and I’m sure they appreciated having your daughter there as a little buffer of normalcy. You’re a great mom, and these dawn-to-midnight shuttles will be gone in the blink of an eye. God bless you!

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