7A – Wake and have breakfast with bleary-eyed Kid #1 who has not seen this hour, or any time close to it, since school ended two weeks earlier.
8A – Drop Kid #1 at Girl Scout sponsored nature park clean up. Speed off in car leaving behind giant cloud of dust and pretend that I don’t hear other mom’s last minute request for “extra hands.”
8:30A – Return home and get breakfast for Kid #2 and Kid #3, dog and cat.
9:20A – Drop DVD rentals at video store including dreadful one kids insisted upon starring a fangless, yet still sullen, Robert Pattinson. Regret wasting $5.00 yet delight in “I told you so” afterglow.
9:30A – Pack Kid #2 and Kid #3 in car again and pick up remarkably unsoiled Kid #1. Return home and make mid-morning snack for Kids #1, #2 and #3.
10:30A – Go to grocery store for more supplies.
12:00N – Make lunch for Kids #1, #2 and #3.
1:00P – Take Kid #1 to fashion design sketching class. Fantasize about her upcoming career as famous fashion designer, including guest judge appearance on Project Runway. Acknowledge that Kid #1 will likely live at home for a very long time.
1:30P – Take Kid #3 to swim-date at friend’s house. During drive get instructed by Kid #3 that I shouldn’t get out of the car when we get there, for fear I will engage in a long conversation with her friend’s mom, thus ruining the whole experience.
2:00P – Return home and learn that Kid #2 hijacked my cell phone to text an invitation to friend for swim-date at our house.
2:30P – Welcome Kid #2A and immediately prepare snacks for Kid #2 and Kid #2A.
3:00P – Abandon plans to do laundry or anything really because must now supervise swim-date.
4:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from sketch class. Make futile attempts to glean information about content of said class.
5:30P – Feed dinner to Kid #2 and Kid #2A. Pour self a heart-healthy glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. Realize may not drink heart-healthy Cabernet Sauvignon as still need to take Kid #2 and #2A to #2A’s recently separated father’s new apartment to “check it out” and watch a movie.
6:00P – Take Kid #1 to coed birthday party for now 14-year-old friend. (Read laughably tiny font at bottom of invitation indicating that there will be parental supervision.)
6:15P – Take Kid #2 and #2A to the dad’s pad. Take note of ne’r-do-well teens hanging out on balconies of neighboring apartments. Silently wish that 11-year-old Kid #2 and her friend, Kid 2A did not already look like leggy teens.
6:30P – Drop Kid #3’s overnight bag at her friend’s house in order to accommodate impromptu sleepover invitation. Sadly decline offer of libation, due to aforementioned driving duties.
7:00P – Return to find husband home from work. Detect goofy grin on husband’s face. Listen as husband points out that the kids are all gone, heh, heh, and you know what that could mean. Offer up, “Umm, we have control of the remote?”
8:00P – Phone rings. Kid #3 wants to cancel sleepover date. Pick up Kid #3 and reassure her on drive home that her friend’s house does not have ghosts. The white blur in the hallway likely just the pasty daddy legs of her friend’s father
9:30P – Pick up Kid #2 from the bachelor pad apartment. Inquire as to the rating of already watched movie. Convince self that she meant to say she saw The Squeakquel and not The Saw sequel.
10:00P – Pick up Kid #1 from the birthday party. Conduct inconspicuous sniffing in entryway to smell for booze and cigarettes. Thankfully detect none. Note that birthday girl’s parents look a good ten years older than at party’s start, four hours earlier.
10:30P – Return home and cajole kids into their beds. Finally reach for glass of Cabernet, but decide it is too late to drink alcohol unless desire that awful morning headache. Opt for butterscotch brownie and calcium-rich milk instead.
11:00P – Go online and research sleep-away camp availability for remainder of summer. Send email inquiring if there is room for just one more. Also ask if they take adults.