The SAGgy Award Goes To

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(Featured on the WordPress “Freshly Pressed” page)

This morning I had ten minutes  to spare so I tried on my old black crepe suit to see if it would be okay to wear backstage at the Screen Actors Guild Awards this Sunday. When you work on the crew or production side of these award shows, you’re supposed to dress to blend in. The production rents tuxedos for all the men who might be caught on camera, but all of the female workers are expected to wear an awards show type dress. You know how we all have those lying around.

Well actually, from my years of working behind the scenes on these things, I do happen to have a small collection of semi-formal wear lying around.  But the problem is that most of these items are getting a little old and tired, much like their owner.

I had spent much of the weekend racking my brain, wondering what I would wear to this year’s show, then I remembered this black crepe suit that I bought about 15 or 20 years ago. I wore it when I worked on the Oscars the year before my first daughter was born.

I remembered thinking at the time that I looked fabulous in that suit. Very chic, indeed.

Now it’s possible that the other people backstage might have been saying, “Oh, dear, the poor child,” but I was sure I looked great.

So I was excited that I remembered that I owned it.  This suit was surely the solution to my problem. I had paid a pretty penny for it and it hung beautifully – maybe enough time had passed that it had come back in style?

Oh, if only that were the case.  As I started to try on the suit I became immediately aware that the suit in my mind’s eye looked nothing like the one I now saw before me .

First I pulled on the pants  – the  waistline came within 5 inches of my armpits. Uh oh.

“Look at mommy’s pants!” my nine-year-old shrieked. “Ha, ha, ha,” she laughed, over and over again.

“Very funny. Don’t worry.  I know they’re a little high-waisted, but no one will see the pants because the jacket hangs over them,” I said, trying to convince myself more than her.

I had my doubts.  The pant legs were quite wide. Really, you could fit two of me in those pant legs. But, maybe wide legs are back in? Didn’t I read that somewhere recently?

Then I put on the blazer, buttoned it and looked in the mirror. Hmm. Hmm.

I looked nothing like the glamorous girl of my memory.  Nope.  I looked ridiculous.

The blazer and its giant shoulder pads hung on me like it was three sizes too big.  God knows, I certainly haven’t lost weight in the last 17 years.

I walked into the den to show my husband. “What happened?  Do you think this suit always looked this bad? Why is the coat hanging on me like it was meant for a linebacker?”

I was genuinely baffled.

“It’s because you used to have a chest,” my husband explained, matter-of-factly.

Oh, God.  Really? Was that it?

Here I thought I was lucky to have kept my weight down to what it was before having three kids. But, I see now that my weight has moved within my body and no longer resides where it once did  –  unfortunately it has moved south from places that could have helped this out-of-date suit.

It was a horrifying realization.

“Should I bother keeping it ? Do you think it’s ever coming back?” I asked, standing there looking like a clown, a clown that apparently prefers black crepe suits.

“Oh, honey, that suit is never coming back,” he declared. “You’re never gonna make that work.” Suddenly he’s Tim Gunn, apparently.

So, it’s back to the closet.

I wonder if that green quiana wrap-dress still fits?  Didn’t I read that those are coming back in?

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52 Comments

Filed under aging, beauty, comedy, entertainment, fashion, humor, kids, Uncategorized, women

52 responses to “The SAGgy Award Goes To

  1. You still have clothes from that long ago? I’m impressed! I can’t fit into things from one year to the next because of, you know, gravity!

  2. Gravity is not our friend. Damn Isaac Newton and the apple he rode in on. Great post, though! Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed, and garb yourself in the envy of your readers. Backstage at the SAG’s? How cool is that!

  3. omg. I felt as if I was sitting there watching go through it all, yet couldn’t help thinking of the times when I cleared out my closet because I just didn’t feel or look the same in those quite “wonderful” garments. throughly enjoyed reading about your experience. maybe they’ll come back in another 5 years that even looking, not so good, is just dandy

    • I know it’s shocking. If only I had Halle Barry arms!

      • Having recently had an accident, I have spent the last seven weeks using a walker. The result is that I now have what a friend described as Michelle Obama arms. Unfortunately I don’t have her nice smooth young skin and still can’t imagine wearing sleeveless.

      • Funny (not the accident part!) – I envy your Michelle Obama arms! I always say I can’t wear sleeveless until my arms look like Halle Berry’s.
        But, all the dresses they sell are sleeveless!!

  4. Oh Lord – I don’t envy you! I recently skipped a wedding and reception at the Waldorf Astoria in NY because I couldn’t bear the thought of shopping. I don’t even bother to look at the decades-old rags in the closet. They are just there to insulate the walls, at this point.
    Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one. Fortunately, as a writer and student, I’m not often called to pull on more than sweats or jeans.
    Blessings- Congrats on the FP!

  5. Hi there! I enjoy your blog! I will be back :)

  6. I’m trying to be outraged that you can fit into a pre-pregnancy outfit, but I’m totally stuck on the fact that the show provides rented tuxes for all the men and does nothing for the women.

    • HA! Sorry, I know it’s annoying – lucky genes is my only secret. I totally agree re: the tuxes – we complained some years back and started to get a wardrobe allowance. We get a hefty sum of $45.00 !! I think that’s about how much the stars spend yes?

  7. Loved the story, especially after recently cleaning out my closet of suits I’ll never wear again and gowns my figure can no longer support. : )

  8. Paula Shugart

    This is great Kristen. I actually think I have a picture of you in that suit. Weren’t you also the person who sent the silk shirt to the dry cleaner and it came back without buttons?

    • Thanks Paula! Funny – I don’t even know if I have a pic in that suit. Maybe I’d be afraid to see it! Totally forgot about the button thing – that’s right – it was so strange. Why did they steal my buttons?

  9. My daughter decides which garment of mine has to go, and go it does. No putting that pant suit back in the closet….It is out’a here. She gave away anything with a shoulder pad years ago, and those gold high-water cord’s went with them. She does not want me to embarrass myself. If see had seen the too short slacks, with the black socks (cold here) I wore today…..

  10. Funny post! This brings back recent (and bitter) memories of trying on every pair of black dress pants at the local strip mall, and of working at a second hand store last summer. Some things, like shoulder pads, stirrup pants, and low ridin’ jeans just never should have been in style!

  11. this is lovely kristen..the description made me visualise the whole thing…and it just seemed to be me there instead of you…hahahaha…i hate to throw away the clothes i thought looked good on me even though they 8-10 years old (whether they did or not, even then, is another story…atleast in my mind…i have a beautiful image;) )
    i was in splits reading your post…thanks and congratulations!!!!

  12. Darling just wait till your bum starts to sag THEN you can complain

  13. Great post! I just moved and it forced me to take a look at all the clothes I had exactly like your suit. I thought I was the cat’s pajamas in it 15 years ago, but finally realized it is woefully out of date, doesn’t fit the same, and I am not in the same age group to get away with it anymore. Goodwill now has a great supply of late 90s fashions thanks to me. :)

  14. Sounds like a fun job! Maybe you could go through a friend’s closet. When I was in Santa Barbara last October I scored a bunch of “vintage” clothes. There must be a place near you!
    I have those old shoulder padded suits I am finally going to put some in the costume box and donate the rest! I am the same weight as when I was married 25 years ago but could never rock the clothes I used to! Hahaha!

  15. Haha, I love the old styles :) And they’re coming back…I say wear them with pride at the award show! (Then again, it’s your career on the line, not mine ;) )

    Cheers to you!
    Courtney Hosny

    http://www.oneweektocrazy.com

  16. I love clothes as long as I don’t have to try them :))

  17. Enjoyed a lot reading your blog.
    needforhealth.wordpress.com

  18. I’m sure shoulder pads are in style… somewhere…
    Seems like a lot of effort to be invisible. Maybe a sparkly ninja outfit would be better?

  19. I just don’t look in the mirror-then I can act glamorous in a 10- year-old outfit. Sort of like the emperor who wore no clothes.

  20. Hmm I’ve kept my size 6 jeans from when I was 16 in the totally naive hope that I will one day fit back into them – think I should really move on though lol

  21. I feel for you! Clothes shopping always stresses me out so much and I never know what to wear to special events. I wish I could find a dress between ultra-conservative and…showy… but it’s hard. One time I just went in a suit because I couldn’t be bothered to go dress shopping. Oh well.

    I hope you find something!

  22. well…one good thing about those ol’ duds – some of them make great purses and tote bags. :-)

  23. “The blazer and its giant shoulder pads hung on me like it was three sizes too big. God knows, I certainly haven’t lost weight in the last 17 years.”

    I enjoyed the whole post, and this paragraph made me laugh out loud. I had no idea where this was going. So good.

  24. Congrats, Kris. I found this on the Freshly Pressed page. How many times have you been Pressed now?

  25. Ahh yes, I found a grey hair the other day too, dismay. http://socalmistress.wordpress.com/

  26. Congrats for the SAGgy Award….. i really like your blog…

  27. If you ever come to Sydney, go to DFO mall Homebush. Lisa Ho red carpet dresses from $1200 to $300 and currently in store. They are classical elegant and timeless. Now there’s a carrot for a holiday! Frankie

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