(Featured on the WordPress “Freshly Pressed” page)
Blatant rip off of Jerry Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with those online security questions lately?
They used to be so easy, so straightforward, like what’s your mother’s maiden name, high school mascot, or favorite pie?
But now these questions have gotten strange. Either the website designers are trying hard to foil the hackers or, as I suspect, they’re just really, really bored. What else could account for these bizarre questions?
ACTUAL SECURITY QUESTIONS:
What was your favorite game to play as a child? Good Lord, who on earth would remember such a thing? And do they mean board game like Dream Date, or kickball or hide and seek? I need some clarity here.
What was your dream job as a child? You mean when I was a five and wanted to be a princess – does that count as an actual job?
What was your favorite place to visit as a child? Okay really people, let’s think about this for a second – if I can’t remember my password, one I likely created only a month ago, why do you think I can remember what games I liked to play, or what I thought, or what I felt back when I was a child, so many eons ago?
What was the name of your first pet? Sandy. Uh, oops, darn. Now you all know.
Where is your great grandmother buried? My great-grandmother. Seriously? Well, I never met her and don’t even know her first name so I’m gonna guess I don’t know where she’s buried either. But I’ll take a stab at it – in a grave?
What is your favorite food? Easy: shrimp and pasta. Oh and hamburgers. And that ahi tuna sandwich with avocado at that place on Third. I like Sushi too. Also steak and baked potato with sour cream. And garlic bread with spaghetti. God I’m so hungry now.
What was your hair color as a child? I don’t like what you’re implying there mister.
Where were you when you heard about 9/11? Huh? Holy crap. Here I was having a perfectly good day and now I’m thinking about that horrible morning and, jeez, people, come on.
What is the coolest place you’ve ever visited? Gosh, that seems really subjective. Is there some hip meter I’m supposed to use to decide? I’ll have you know I’ve been to lots of hip places because I’m pretty cool and . . . wait, oops I didn’t have my reading glasses on. Apparently it’s “What’s the coldest place . . . ?” Still, no idea.
Who spoke at your high school graduation? The valedictorian. Hmm, what was her name again . . . brown hair . . . over-achiever . . . went to Berkeley and uh . . . ”
What is the license plate (registration) of your dad’s first car? Let’s see, since my dad bought his first car about a decade before I was born I’m not sure I remember that. Why stop there? What was the thesis of my dad’s sophomore year history term paper? What was he thinking back on July 18th, 1952? How many hairs did he have on his head?
What is the first name of the boy or girl that you first kissed? Why, that would be my husband of course. Ahem. That’s the story I’m sticking with.
What is your dream vacation? Oh this is easy – Fiji. Wait no, that takes too long to get to. I know, Grand Cayman. Yes I’ve always wanted to go there! Oh, but I’ve also heard that the Bahamas are quite nice, and then there are a lot of wintery places I want to see. The Alps, Banff, The Himalayas – how will I ever narrow this down?
What is the name of a college you applied to but didn’t attend? Gee, thanks for bringing up that old wound.
What sports team do you love to see lose? That’s a very negative question. These programmers must be a ton of fun to be around. Frankly I don’t care who wins or loses as long as they’re serving cold beer.
What is the name of your least favorite relative? Whaaat? I can’t believe that people have a least favorite relative and even if they did, wouldn’t they feel guilty actually typing their name? Because what if you die and that is the one relative who is able to crack your password codes to access your accounts and then they see their name listed there as your least favorite relative? That’s too much of a risk for me, and my backstabbing cousin Jennifer.
I’m mentally exhausted from answering all their questions. I think this website knows more about me now than my therapist ever did. I could use a cold beer . . . on Fiji . . . and that Ahi Sandwich from that place on Third.