(Featured on the WordPress “Freshly Pressed” page)
Blatant rip off of Jerry Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with those online security questions lately?
They used to be so easy, so straightforward, like what’s your mother’s maiden name, high school mascot, or favorite pie?
But now these questions have gotten strange. Either the website designers are trying hard to foil the hackers or, as I suspect, they’re just really, really bored. What else could account for these bizarre questions?
ACTUAL SECURITY QUESTIONS:
What was your favorite game to play as a child? Good Lord, who on earth would remember such a thing? And do they mean board game like Dream Date, or kickball or hide and seek? I need some clarity here.
What was your dream job as a child? You mean when I was a five and wanted to be a princess – does that count as an actual job?
What was your favorite place to visit as a child? Okay really people, let’s think about this for a second – if I can’t remember my password, one I likely created only a month ago, why do you think I can remember what games I liked to play, or what I thought, or what I felt back when I was a child, so many eons ago?
What was the name of your first pet? Sandy. Uh, oops, darn. Now you all know.
Where is your great grandmother buried? My great-grandmother. Seriously? Well, I never met her and don’t even know her first name so I’m gonna guess I don’t know where she’s buried either. But I’ll take a stab at it – in a grave?
What is your favorite food? Easy: shrimp and pasta. Oh and hamburgers. And that ahi tuna sandwich with avocado at that place on Third. I like Sushi too. Also steak and baked potato with sour cream. And garlic bread with spaghetti. God I’m so hungry now.
What was your hair color as a child? I don’t like what you’re implying there mister.
Where were you when you heard about 9/11? Huh? Holy crap. Here I was having a perfectly good day and now I’m thinking about that horrible morning and, jeez, people, come on.
What is the coolest place you’ve ever visited? Gosh, that seems really subjective. Is there some hip meter I’m supposed to use to decide? I’ll have you know I’ve been to lots of hip places because I’m pretty cool and . . . wait, oops I didn’t have my reading glasses on. Apparently it’s “What’s the coldest place . . . ?” Still, no idea.
Who spoke at your high school graduation? The valedictorian. Hmm, what was her name again . . . brown hair . . . over-achiever . . . went to Berkeley and uh . . . ”
What is the license plate (registration) of your dad’s first car? Let’s see, since my dad bought his first car about a decade before I was born I’m not sure I remember that. Why stop there? What was the thesis of my dad’s sophomore year history term paper? What was he thinking back on July 18th, 1952? How many hairs did he have on his head?
What is the first name of the boy or girl that you first kissed? Why, that would be my husband of course. Ahem. That’s the story I’m sticking with.
What is your dream vacation? Oh this is easy – Fiji. Wait no, that takes too long to get to. I know, Grand Cayman. Yes I’ve always wanted to go there! Oh, but I’ve also heard that the Bahamas are quite nice, and then there are a lot of wintery places I want to see. The Alps, Banff, The Himalayas – how will I ever narrow this down?
What is the name of a college you applied to but didn’t attend? Gee, thanks for bringing up that old wound.
What sports team do you love to see lose? That’s a very negative question. These programmers must be a ton of fun to be around. Frankly I don’t care who wins or loses as long as they’re serving cold beer.
What is the name of your least favorite relative? Whaaat? I can’t believe that people have a least favorite relative and even if they did, wouldn’t they feel guilty actually typing their name? Because what if you die and that is the one relative who is able to crack your password codes to access your accounts and then they see their name listed there as your least favorite relative? That’s too much of a risk for me, and my backstabbing cousin Jennifer.
I’m mentally exhausted from answering all their questions. I think this website knows more about me now than my therapist ever did. I could use a cold beer . . . on Fiji . . . and that Ahi Sandwich from that place on Third.
So true, so true….LOL
You’ve GOT to be kidding — these are real? Where is your great grandmother buried???
I have a hard enough time reading the stupid CAPTCHA letters. This takes security to a whole new level of bizarre…
Thanks for a good laugh!
When I find I have trouble remembering a password, it is normally easier to click the “Reset Password” button than to remember the answer to any “security questions”.
me too! thanks!
Too funny, but so true! As it is I have a hard enough time remembering my password; therefore the security question does not need to be this hard. It’s supposed to help not hinder us!!!!….As a side note, I’ve noticed that the letters you need to unscramble (to verify you are not a spammer or whatever) are also becoming more difficult to decipher. Even I sometimes can’t tell if that’s a 7, an M or an N! Sheesh!
Great post and congrats on being FP!
so true about the security letters – it takes me like three tries to get those right!
Hahahaha!!! This was amazing! I do have to say that some of the questions they pose are getting really bizarre.Honestly, the one about your Great Grandmother? Who on earth checks on where they were buried? I would be slightly concerned about their intentions if they knew that right off the top of their head…
Well, you know how it is: Everyone has to be different these days. Everyone has to stand out. Everyone has to go and remind you of that aunt who was spreading ugly rumors about you and your family to everyone she met for no particular reason and…
…Sorry, lost my train of thought there. Recalling that I like pumpkin pie wouldn’t have quite the same effect, I think.
Haha, awsome post, very creative and entertaining!
Hi …. thank God for gals like you ..otherwise the net would be a deadly boring place …. but I enjoyed your blog and it brought a smile to my face.
Thanks for that.
ha ha ha , very good, loved it
Wow. They must really be bored. But then again, who can blame them? It does sound like a boring job…Some of these are indeed very bizarre and not very nice at times. Although, they do open up great opportunities for humor, and a good blog post, so they can’t be all bad, right?
Great post – really loved it, and congrats on being freshly pressed!
…my backstabbing cousin Jennifer – that made me giggle audibly! Well done.
If you only knew her!
good effort for answering all these questions! I would have given up after the 2nd!! great post though!!
Thanks!
Love the last one. “….Because what if you die and that is the one relative who is able to crack your password codes to access your accounts..” LOL
“What sports team do you love to see lose?”
Oh, great. I can see filling that in honestly — a certain east coast hockey team whose name starts with the letter “R” and ends with “angers” — and getting some dweeb from New York on the phone when I need to call support. That’ll go over nicely.
Yeah good point – odds are that would be their favorite team!
Hilarious post! I was laughing throughout. Very well written parody of a ridiculous technological advancement. I particularly liked, “You mean when I was a five and wanted to be a princess – does that count as an actual job?” Gold!
Thanks!!! I still sort of want to be a princess. Though I’d keep my top on. No one wants to see that.
Great post!
Now, if you could have lunch with any 18th century French poet, what would you wear?
That will be up soon I’m sure!
thanks!
Hahahaha! Very funny! But you had me at Seinfeld–love that show!
Love your post! I had a good laugh but seriously it must be the boredom that arose those type of question
LOL they are bizarre questions> What about “What was the 1st thing you thought after you were born? ” LOL
Probably we’ll see that one soon!
The two banks I deal with (one ‘real’ one and one ‘virtual’ one) both made me answer three different security questions during the online set up process and some were, I thought at the time, rather ‘odd’ (including the one about your first pet’s name). I’ve had to click on the ‘go to next question’ button several times when I’m presented with these questions because I honestly don’t remember what came to mind when I first answered them. Clearly these security programmers have forgotten the two cardinal rules of ‘customer service’: (1) KISS [keep it simple, stupid], and (2) don’t piss off the customer.
Love your blog! Awesome. Thanks for sharing!
Gosh, half the answers I’d have to make up and then I’d have to remember what each answer was. If only we could just remember one password and use it on everything. Sadly, there are clever folks who crack one case and get them all. Why is it so hard to be secretive these days?
Good post!
Cheers,
iRuniBreathe
Hilarious post. And dead on!
Great! I love it…really trying not to laugh at work.
Hah! Thanks Andrea!
These questions are ridiculous. Maybe they’ll start asking marketing questions as security questions i.e. What do you look for in a toothpaste brand?
Thanks for stopping by and following my blog.
HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Very funny! Thank you.
It’s funny because it’s true! And now I’m hungry for steak and shrimp, even though it’s 8:19 am in my time zone…
Oh I’m always hungry for steak and shrimp
I doubt my dad even remembers the license plate on his first car, if it wasn’t a vanity plate! What the heck?!
I must be doing business with the wrong companies. I just get the boring old “what is your mother’s middle name?” and “in what city was your high school?” questions.
Yeah I thought that one really bizarre! who would ever know that!
This is great. There are some that I actually approve of and that are easier than mother’s maiden name (can’t spell it, she was glad to get rid of it) or father’s birthday (I know the month is that close enough). Okay so apparently I am a horrible child but these are so much better than small preferences.
I can name a least favourite relative and will always remember exactly what I wanted to do as a child (marine biologist due to intense adoration of otters, briefly interrupted with pilot because airports are cool, or at least they are before you spend extensive amounts of time in them — I bet you can guess where that dream died).
The 9/11 question is cruel and strange, but everybody knows exactly where they were and what they were doing when they found out — just maybe we’d prefer not to think about it.
all good points. Yeah totally agree re: 9/11.
Thanks for the comment
I absolutely hate those security questions! I feel like the answers are pretty easy to figure out so I would always make up funny answers to make the “security” in the question more effective…but then I’d forget my made up answers!
I know – I’ve thought about the silly answer route (for real) but then same thing – figured I’d never remember my cleverness!
This is just hilarious! Not only are the questions getting more and more bizarre, the captcha letters are becoming more and more weird, given that there are blurred pictures for numbers.
the great grandmother on wins ‘em all. i was locked out of my aol account for two weeks because i couldn’t answer some of these ridiculous account security questions!
Amazing!!
Unfortunately, a lot of the “security” questions they were asking in the past had answers that most people who know you would be aware of and were also fairly easy to look up and find out. The security questions were enough to help avoid computer generated hacking, but not real people–like an angry ex-husband or a sibling who’d gone around the bend. Having people who hate you change your password and then do destructive things with your accounts is not fun and I have no doubt really happened, given how the world can be and the number of people out there with axes to grind. So, maybe the programmers are just bored, but I do think there is a good reason that the questions have become more off-beat and personal. Thanks for the laugh!
HA! Hilarious. I was having the exact same thoughts the other day when my online banking made me update my security questions. Who thinks of this stuff?
l enjoyed browsing your blog.You have very interesting posts.Thank you for following my blog.Regards.Jalal
too funny – i’m with you, if i can remember things like the burial site of my dead great grandmother… I should be able to remember my own password!!
Maybe they think we are visiting the dead? Now I feel bad!!
Very funny, and very well written. I thought it was just me, but about a week ago I went to a site that had all these bizarro questions. At first, I thought I accidently hit the “favorites” bar and went to “The Onion.” But lo and behold, these were actual questions I had a tough time answering about MY life. Wish I’d thought of that as a post. Again, well done and congratulations!
Thanks so much. Yeah the part about least favorite relative was actually on a California government website.
I enjoyed your blog btw!
Funny you should say that. I believe my experience was also with CA — the UC school system. Thanks for stopping my blog, and I look forward to your future writings.
I’m so glad you got FP – congratulations! – because otherwise I would never have found your blog, and I love it! Those security questions are awful – I have no idea how to answer some of them and have to lie, then remember the lie. How secure is that?
Aww! Thank you so much!
And thanks for checking out and following my blog!
Clearly these security questions say more about the IT people who wrote them than they do about us. I’ve seen some nuts ones before, but not quite like this.
I know – about 3 o them came from government website!!
This is so freaking funny. Had to close my office door midway, so people would not see me laughing like crazy. Very good!
Aww! Thanks!! I appreciate it!
Hilarious post. Congrats on being FP!
In the same spirit, I would ask, “What’s your favorite fish?”. This begs the question, is the fish in question swimming around or on my dinner plate?
Good point! – so koi or salmon?
These are no doubt the same bubbleheads who are demanding we create passwords of 11-1/2 characters that wind up looking like the cursewords in old-fashioned cartoons (you know, #!8*xMp%++ or some such), and then expect us to update it every three or four weeks.
It’s all enough to make me scream #!8*xMp%++ in the middle of the office.
Thanks for the insightful rant.
Beyond hilarious! Congrats on being freshly pressed
This is really hilarious and so true. I enjoyed the humor you spiked into these otherwise outrageous questions. Nice piece!
LOL this had me in stitches (and after a loong day)….was just what I need. Honestly I’d often wondered about the security questions of late myself like sure if I can’t remember my password how can I possible go back to childhood to remember the 2nd birthday gift I opened at 7 lol! Lovely post!
Completely agree – Thanks for the read – Congrats on being FP
These are hysterical.
Thanks for the smiles.
Buahahahaha that is exactly how I think when I am filling those out. On the food ones I think “what will I remember…oh thats perfect!” and then I forget. Most of the answers change with my mood. They should just ask me “what mood are you in right now?” and then when I am looking for my password they can say “you created it on a day you were feeling sad, what is your favorite food?” then I will know the answer is cream cheese and not sushi.
Good one!
hahah, this is hilarious, love it!
Thank you, Kristen, for brightening my day!
I also have great-grandmother issues, and issues with deciphering CAPTCHA letters, as described here: http://wrightonthebutton.com/2012/09/01/three-strikes/. It is a wonder that I am on the Internet at all!
Loved your post! Yeah so true – those letters are so blurry. Who can read them? I didn’t even know they had a name!
Nice one -thank you for sharing.
Haha Brilliant! Thanks for this post!
Great post. And so true. My question was “What is the name of your childhood best friend?” Does a surburban, movie watching, birthday attending posse of 15 count?
It’s all facebook’s fault. If someone was so inclined they got probably figure out your mother’s maiden name, your high school mascot, and your favorite pie through facebook. Moral of the story: Don’t friend your mom on facebook.
This had me laughing so hard I was crying. Also, my laughing woke up my children. So thanks for that.
Hah! Hope they’re not cranky now! Thanks!
I have a strange sense of humor, but I get this! Too funny, thanks for posting!
Great read! My favorite is What is your favorite color? But…I like all colors! Maybe blue or green. I will write blue. Ok, remember your favorite color is blue! :/
Yeah why be so limiting?
Reblogged this on greyowlhat.
Hey Thanks!! Appreciate it!
This is a very funny and entertaining post. I really enjoyed your answers to these crazy questions. I especially liked your response to the college question. Perfect! Congrats on the Freshly Pressed.
Our family blog: http://www.Cop-A-Squat.com
Thanks! Checked out your blog – ewwwww that spider finger grossed me out! But thanks for the warning!
You’re welcome.
Great post, and so true. Those questions aren’t very helpful. When I first started on the internet I always wrote down every question and what I put for an answer. After I filled up a small notebook I realized I never looked at them again. But that was when the questions were easy. Mother’s maiden name, pet name. Not so easy anymore, but loved your answers.
And they wonder why everyone writes passwords etc down even when warned not to! Lol Congrats of FP
When I was a kid, my dream job was to be a garbage man. It looked fun to be able to ride on the back of the trucks. I think I’d almost be too embarrassed to admit that readily, even to a computerized Captcha.
Recently, I had the question “What is the name of your favorite childhood friend?” and answered with “Dave” (not me, but another kid named Dave. I promise. Dave was a popular name in the 70s).
The system rejected my answer because it was “too short”.
I guess “What is the name of your favorite childhood friend, whose name is at least five characters long?” wouldn’t find in the drop-down menu.
I love that they rejected your friend’s actual name!
Full disclosure – that site is one that my company helped build. I was doing some technical documentation when I was rejected.
Hilarious!
I answer, thinking I’m being funny or in some way memorable, but every time I cannot remember. Always get locked out for trying too many times.
I just went through this on my banking site and had to hold back on typing in my entire 4-course meal for favorite food … I have a feeling it would come back to bite me later! Thanks for the laughs – I’m looking forward to checking out more of your posts!
What was your first grade teacher’s next door neighbor’s name? just might be a future question type. Hey, it takes all I got to try and remember new passwords from last week.
Enjoyed reading your post.
They actually ask questions like that? Once I got a ‘What’s your favorite breakfast food’? Hmm, let me see… Bacon! And yogurt! And pancakes! And this weird Chinese cake thing that I don’t know the name of!
I have to answer every single one of these questions when trying to get through to my bank by phone…me—> ~>: x
Great post. Had to retweet it!
Thanks Wendy!
Agreed, some of these questions are kind of weird and ridiculous (seriously, “What was your hair color as a child?”), but at least they’re less google-able (is that a word?) than things like, “What is your mother’s maiden name?”
Personally I love it when I get to create my own questions. I base them entirely off of rhymes or ridiculous songs I made up. That way they’re completely uncrackable unless you’re a super computer hacker >:)
What’s really weird is that I can remember I stupid sounding song I created my freshman year of high school, but can’t remember the password I created a week ago -_-”
so funny, thanks, i had a good laugh..
Really funny post! Had to control myself from laughing out too loud in office. Settled for a creepy grin throughout reading the post
Congrats on being freshly pressed!
Where was your great grandmother buried?
She was cremated!
Hilarious post!
Although I see the use in some of these more tricky questions, your view on them is pretty hilarious! xD
You made me laugh this gloomy morning…
Lol this is hilarious!
You’ve already heard this 101 times, but here it goes. Very true, and I like your sense of humor about it.
But I do enjoy hearing it – since my writing gets me no pay – only ego boosts!
This is what a college education gets ya!
Thanks for the Friday laugh. That was great. I wanted to be a mermaid when I grew up. I also think that qualifies as a job – just like princess.
definitely!
Haha love this post, thanks for the laugh this morning!
*Creates new account* lol
Reblogged this on ithinkthereforeidigress and commented:
I hate security questions… If the questions become weirder, I will be far more likely to forget the answers…
Hey thanks Jonathan! Yeah, that’s the problem – who would ever remember their answers!
The worst is when you can’t write your own questions! Picking from a pre-defined list can be very limiting . . . I just can’t believe they haven’t found a better way to handle online security yet.
Not going to lie but I actually want to get one of these security questions, it would make signing up to sites so much more entertaining for me! I still get the same old boring ones that I don’t have answers for anyway aha
x
hahaha I hadn’t even noticed online security questions had gotten so bizarre! Mostly because I don’t really read them. I usually always stick with what my mother’s maiden name was. Anything else and it gets too confusing to remember! I will have to pay attention next time!
Of course, there is my favorite question “When smuggling hamsters out of Germany, do you actively search for restaurants serving banana cream pie.” That one covers security, dessert choices and relationships.
Oh my gosh, this is SO true! And it’s so annoying.
This gave me a good little chuckle
Congrats on being Pressed!
I love this because it’s so true! There was one website I was signing up for where I couldn’t come up with an answer to any of the security questions! What are you supposed to do when that happens–make them up?! Then how do you remember what you put?! Another pet peeve of mine is when you can’t remember if you put a first and last name, just the first name, a nickname, or if you even capitalized everything. Too much work!
Witty!
hahahahahah…. lovely… great post… super funny… and yes what is wrong with them seriously… also if i ever forget my password, i dont really remember the answer to my secret question… rightly pointed, there r just too many favourites and answers … ur answers and favourites change from time to time… the secret questions are no help, sorry!
Good one
“in a grave” I’m going to use that one too.
I wanted to be a can-can dancer when I was five.
love it!
Hilarious!
Reblogged this on Althea Champagnie's Blog and commented:
I’ve lost access to 2 online accounts – including a bank account — because of ridiculous security questions like these and this one…
What’s the first nickname your spouse had?
Wow – that’s crazy!
Thanks for the reblog!
Wonderful!
Truly LOL funny!
I loved this! Laughing all the way through!!
Thanks!!
I am not only going to have to start keeping crib notes to remember my passwords, but also a cheat sheet for the security questions! ~ Kat
Reblogged this on everydayfangirl and commented:
I love the comments on the new security questions web sites use now!
Thanks for the reblog!
Thanks for the reblog Patty!
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