I can get quite worked up about crazy political stances or social injustices, but as a general rule I vent my anger at home and then swallow it, as is befitting of my repressed Waspy upbringing.
Recently though, an issue has become so pressing, I can no longer keep my mouth shut. I speak of the horrifying balloon lip craze that has become en vogue across our great nation.
I lived my whole life thinking that my thin lips were completely acceptable, but recently a clear message has been sent by the style conscious in America, that they simply are not. Now, virtually every woman on television or living in LA’s Westside has injected some sort of gooey stuff into her lips to make them look fuller, consequently making the rest of us feel like we should be embarrassed by our thin lips, making the rest of us feel like thin-lipped freaks.
Yet, when I look at women who’ve had lip injections, I think they are the ones who look like freaks. Their lips don’t look fuller and poutier; they look all swollen and puffy, like they’ve had a horrible allergic reaction to peanuts or maybe attacked by a swarm of bees. Even worse, their chemical injections cause their lips to lift away from the gum line and make them look like they have a giant duckbill on their face.
Obviously a lot of women think this duckbill look is attractive because more and more ladies are doing it. At first, it seemed the craze was limited to older women hoping to restore the fuller lips of their youth. But now I see young models, actresses and newscasters with giant duck lips. It looks even worse on them because the rest of their skin is so tight and wrinkle-free that it only highlights the abnormal puffiness of their balloon lips.
I understand the appeal of naturally full lips. I agree that they are attractive and I admire ladies who were born with them. Good for you, full-lipped ladies!
But why can’t we just let these fuller-lipped gals feel special and leave it at that? Surely we all have our own shining attributes. There’s no reason to steal their glory.
And I’m not against all cosmetic procedures either. I get that a good boob job might look fine on some people and fake hair color can sometimes look even prettier than one’s natural shade. (Yes, that’s the case with my own hair.)
But, these lip injections have a long, long, long way to go before they start looking good or natural. Right now, they in no way compare to the real thing. So why are so many women allowing themselves to be human guinea pigs while lip-plumping scientists are clearly still perfecting their craft?
We don’t see men trying to look better or younger by puffing up their lips. Johnny Depp, Ryan Reynolds and Tom Cruise aren’t getting lip injections. Even Rob Lowe seems perfectly content with his very thin lips. His lips haven’t hurt his career one bit.
Now, I majored in Anthropology in college, so I’m pretty sure I can go ahead and make a scientific analysis of this lip-plumping phenomenon. I believe this trend is akin to a cultural mass hysteria, much like the ancient Chinese foot binding that we now look at with horror. I predict that one day our grandchildren will read about this strange trend in their history e-books and giggle with their classmates as they point to the funny pictures of today’s actresses and newscasters.
I thank God that I will not be in those pictures.
These lip procedures need to be stopped. I propose a national campaign, complete with public service announcements from celebrities. Since Angelina Jolie is partially responsible for this trend (how many women wanted to have lips like hers, yet ended up looking like Octomom instead, I wonder) she should be the one to kick it off.
Ms. Jolie needs to plead, “Women of America, save your money and avoid painful lip injections. Face it, no matter how many injections you get, or how much money you spend, you will never, ever, look like me.”
In the meantime, we thin-lipped women should embrace and proudly display the tiny lips that God gave us, and be happy about all the money we’ve saved on lips balms and lipsticks since we’ve obviously needed less of these products.
There’s no shame in having thin lips, ladies.
Don’t let the duck-faced women win.